The Volturi's Secretary
by finnie200
Summary: So the Ministry of Magic has decided to sent someone undercover into the den of the leaders of a newly discovered type of vampire. Harriet can understand that, she can't understand why anyone would think her suitable to play at being secretary to a bunch of leeches, surely defeating Voldemort was enough public service? Fem!Harry. Basically everyone OC!
1. Chapter 1

**I hope you enjoy this story, it has a female Harry Potter and is set after the Battle of Hogwarts but before Twilight**

 **As always, I don't own Harry Potter and I am doing this for fun.**

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Chapter 1:

Harriet Potter was pissed, there wasn't another word that could describe the utter irritating she felt towards the Minister of Magic Kingsley and Withers, the head of the Auror Department.

As she strode down the halls of the Ministry of Magic, her own magic whipped around her in reaction to her anger. If there was any ever doubt as to how the 5 ft 3 girl had managed to defeat the greatest Dark Lord Britain had ever known it could be easily dispelled by passing Harriet. Indeed, some members of the Ministry had already sent patroni and messages to various people announcing the wrath of their saviour whilst at the same time praying that it was not their department that the Woman-who-Won would destroy when she found the object of her anger.

If anyone had been brave enough to walk close enough to hear her mutterings they would have feared for the life of their Minister for Magic.

"Sure Kingsley, that is a brilliant idea, why don't I waltz off to try to get a job with the leaders of the Muggle vampires? Oh, you got me an interview? How kind… No, it sounds a lovely holiday, spending time in deep cover pretending I am not a fucking witch and hoping that I don't get eaten every day. Wonderful… Utter bastards. Why can't Ron go instead, I am sure sometimes they would want to eat a man from time to time? Oh, and the cherry on top of this wonderful cake, occasionally, just occasionally a bunch of tourists may be traipsed past you to be eaten and there is nothing you can do to help unless you want to go the same way… Pricks… And if you get the job, which you have to interview for, you will then have to wear dresses every day and look pretty, otherwise they may eat you… Why do I have to play secretary? Why can't Hermione? She would know what to do, I can't even keep my mouth closed when someone is being a pain to someone else, let alone me. I will end up calling the leaders of the vampire race, leeches, ticks or bloodsuckers or something. Oh and what is our dear Minister's advice to avoid such a situation…? Practice mediation?"

As you will probably understand from Harriet's rant to herself, she was not a happy bunny. Not at all. She had just left a rather… trying meeting with the Minister for Magic and the Head of Aurors for all parties involved. Now heading into the bowels of the Ministry she entered the Department of Mysteries to find her former classmate, Mrs. Hermione Weasley.

Two years had passed since the end of the war and the Battle of Hogwarts. In that time Hermione had married Ron, Ginny had gotten engaged to Neville, Luna to Rolf Scamander, pretty much every one of her year group was either married, engaged or in a long term relationship. Even Malfoy… But no, Harriet was abstaining from a relationship… she was waiting for the right person… she was focusing on her work… etc. Basically whatever excuse she could give to get the media of her back, she gave.

Probably that was why she was being sent to spy on a group of vampires, she was the only one who could do deep cover for a long time, having said that the longest in the past three years a secretary of the Volturi had survived was six months, so it wouldn't be that long in deep cover before she could come back. Or she would be dead, which would be an inconvenience. The only good thing would be that if she did die whilst on this bloody mission, at least the Ministry would have to admit that the precious Woman-who-Won had died because they ordered her to spy on a species of unknown vampires. Then her friends would probably kill all the vampires. Apparently they were bloody difficult to kill but, needs must and Harriet was sure that Fiendfire would finish the buggers of easily. Although… what would basilisk venom do to them, hmmm, that was an idea, using the Sword of Gryffindor which she could summon to her could prove an interesting experiment? She would have to find a suitable candidate to try it on but still, the Ministry wanted to know about them, knowing how they could be killed was a more useful piece of information than who ran them surely?

Reaching her destination, Harriet opened the door to Hermione's office, swanned in and sat on the chair in front of her friend's desk and threw her feet up onto it.

Hermione didn't even react, not looking up from her Arithmancy, too used to her friend's reactions to even bother trying to remove the girl's feet from a pile of papers.

"Hermione…"

Silence

"Hermioneeeeeeee"

"What is it now, o Bane of my Life?"

"I will have you know it is 'Saviour of my Life', get it right. Anyway, I need to rant so please listen to me and interrupt at appropriate intervals so I know you are listening. Understand Mione _?"_

Hermione sighed, opened a drawer subtly and checked there was still a hipflask of Firewhisky there as this sounded it was going to be a long 'therapy' session.

"Yes, Harry I understand, so please do not let me hold your rant back anymore"

"Right, I have just come from a rather… interesting meeting with the bastard Kingsley and the moronic Withers (correct me on my language and I will turn the Firewhisky in your drawer into water, and yes I know it is there). Anyway, you know that new breed of vampires that were recorded eight years ago or so, anyway, they have found out that the leaders of these 'Muggle vampires' operate out of Italy, Volterra to be exact. And so, out gracious leaders in all their infinite wisdom have decided that I will go undercover in their palace, acting as … wait for it... their secretary. Yes, Kingsley has decided that I am the person who would be least likely to attract suspicion and attention in the middle of a den of vampires."

Silence

More silence

"What?"

"Yes, I have to act like a prissy little girl whose greatest hope is to become immortal and a vampire. That is if they keep me, apparently there last five secretaries have been killed for reasons such as being late, spelling a name wrong or tripping up into one of the kings. I see it as being highly likely that I am going to be killed for losing my temper and calling one of the three kings of the vampire world a mosquito or something. Can I count on you to avenge my death should I be eaten?"

Silence

Hermione gave up and opened her drawer and retrieving her flask and taking a deep draught of the alcohol within before passing it to her best friend who mimicked her gesture.

"I am not quite sure what I can say to make this situation better. I am working on it I promise."

"Oh and guess what? I have an interview in two weeks, thank god I know who to work a computer otherwise I would be even more screwed. But apparently I have to go dress shopping as I have to wear a dress and heels every day. At least I don't need to get a house as the Volturi supply me one, I suppose it is just so I can't just run off if I get cold feet."

"What did Ron say?"

"Ahh, Ron, the boy who I think of as a brother and who I have frequently trusted with my life over the past nine years, what did he do when he heard my assignment? He laughed and suggested I took some Blood Replenishing potions with me as well as some Blood Pops for, and I quote here: "just in case they get hungry and you are the only juice box around"".

"Right, so my husband was ever so sympathetic to your plight obviously. Well shall we go dress shopping?"

"Mione, I came here for sympathy (and alcohol… but mostly sympathy). Surely you do not mean to force me to Italy to my highly potential death?"

"Hmm, I will check your emergency portkey before you go, don't worry? I am sure you will be fine and just in case I will go and visit Kingsley and get the reports about these vampires to see if there is anything useful we can work out to help. I am sure with some Scent Nullifying spells and the like you will be fine."

"Et tu Hermione?"

"… Yes, now come on. Ginny had training this morning so we can go drag her shopping too."

"Oh good, I can ask her whether I can count on her to avenge my death when I am eaten"

"I swear you were not this dramatic when we were at school."

"I wasn't, I have a theory that after defeating a Dark Lord you are allowed more leeway. Eventually I plan to have that eye twinkle of Dumbledore down and wear just as garish robes as old Dumbles, just because I can."

Hermione sighed and slipped the hipflask from the top of her desk into her pocket, more alcohol would be necessary if she had to survive shopping in a muggle store with Harriet Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Don't own either Harry Potter nor Twilight and I am writing for fun**

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Chapter 2:

Harriet Lily Potter was definitely not pouting... nor sulking. She was simply expressing her distaste to the situation she found herself. A situation which involved her sitting on a seat in a rather large department store watching as two of her closest female friends darted around the store looking at dresses which she would never, ever normally wear of her own volition. She had already been there two hours and every so often Ginny or Hermione would drag her to try on a dress, or ten. And then they would approve or reject the various offerings.

They seemed to be going for a theme in these dresses, showing of the assets that she had. If they were doing that because they felt it may make her last longer in the vampire cave then that would be fine but it was almost as if they were suggesting something… Harriet believed that clothes should be practical and comfortable, they needn't attract too much attention or anything else really. Tracksuits bottoms were utterly okay in her book, her female friends and the media didn't seem to agree though. She did dress up occasionally, when someone would prise her out of Grimmauld Place to go to a Ministry function or ball of some kind. She would be paraded about like a show pony then she would return to Grimmauld Place and be in her hoodie and trackies before the hour was out. It was a perfectly decent scheme that most of her friends dealt with, Hermione and Ginny aside.

This however was ten times worse. And she was paying for it, although technically wasn't it a work expense? Yup, the LBD Dior number that Ginny was marching towards her carrying was totally for the mission, therefore the Ministry could pay for it. Pity, it was quite a nice dress, it would be a shame to get blood on it when one of the vampire's felt like a midnight snack…

"Are we done yet? Please say we are done!"

"Nope sorry, we still have the best part to come, shoes!"

"Whyyyy? I don't even have the job yet, why do we have to buy things now? We have a dress we can use for the interview, can't it wait until then?"

"No"

Hermione decided to join their conversation at this point,

"Wait a minute Ginny, if she gets the job there won't be much time for her to come back to England, so we will have to go to Italy with all her stuff. We can go clothes shopping in Italy instead, think Milan and Naples!"

"I should't have said that, I should not have said that..."

"Oh stop complaining, come on. You have a briefing tomorrow morning and I am coming to ensure you behave. You apparently forgot to mention to me earlier Harry... that you threw a jug of water over the Minister of Magic in the meeting this morning, care to explain?"

"I don't need to justify my actions to you, they were perfectly valid and suitable for the situation in which I found myself."

Hermione and Ginny both could only snort at that, Harriet's beliefs about suitability in some situations became a little skewed. Harriet was offended,

"I don't see why you made that sound, one of you kept a certain reporter locked in a jar for a month whilst the other kicked Malfoy in the balls after he suggested that you and he should meet in a broom cupboard at some point. Neither of you can talk"

"This coming from the girl who called her nemesis and a Dark Lord, 'Voldewhore' to his face and suggested that all his actions stemmed from an extreme case of a mixture between the Oedipus complex and unresolved daddy issues."

"I am sorry but Freud would have had a field day with Voldetort, I mean look at the dark mark…?"

"I am declaring this conversation over now Harry. Go to bed now but before you do hang up your new clothes, or actually…"

At this Hermione dragged Harry into a nearby alley and summoned Kreacher who appeared with a _crack_ in front of the trio of witches.

"What can Kreacher do for Mistress' friend?"

"Hey Kreacher, we brought some new dresses for Harry but I don't trust her with them, can you take them (and her) back to Grimmauld Place and sort them out?"

"Alright, come on Missie Harry, you have work tomorrow."

With another _crack_ they were gone and Hermione and Ginny looked at each other sighed and decided to call it an evening.

-O-

 ** _Report concerning the so called 'Muggle Vampires'_**

 ** _Discovery_**

 _The Muggle Vampire was first discovered in Britain when an Unspeakable tracked one specimen through Britain between 1993-4. With the start of the recent conflict his work has been left largely unfinished until it was rediscovered in his notes after his death. Specimen in Britain known as 'Alistair', does not seem to up to date with technology and modern muggle society. Unknown whether this is by choice or not._

 ** _Species identifiers_**

 _There are many differences between the 'magical vampire' and the 'muggle vampire'. Identifying the species can be seen below:_

· _Due to the composition of their skin (not studied closely enough but potentially marble or granite) muggle vampires sparkle in the sun. 'Alistair' seemed to have the habit of only coming out at night. Whilst the sun does not kill them, it does identify them even to humans. It is unknown whether the potions available for magical vampires would have any effect on them._

· _Red Eyes- following the discovery of Alistair another coven of vampires was identified in Ireland [hereafter identified as the Irish coven (three members, two woman and one man)]. All four muggle vampires had red eyes, which appeared to change colour according to mood (perhaps thirst too)._

· _Speed- These vampires are capable of running much faster than humans and magical vampires, top speed is unknown. This is one of their strengths against magic as they could potentially dodge spells._

· _Magic- All muggle vampires appear to once have been muggles. They do not appear to be able to use or feel magic around them. It has been noted that they sometimes appear to have odd abilities, why or how they receive them is unknown._

· _Senses- Much stronger senses than humans and magical vampires. However, they cannot sense through wards and apparently Notice-me-Not Charms, this explains why they do not appear to have knowledge of the magical world._

· _Thirst- Unlike magical vampires if a muggle vampires starts to drink they do not appear to be able to stop. They seem to have little self-control and do not consume human food in any form._

· _Mates- Unknown whether they can be chosen or they are fated. Males appear to be dominant in the relationship. Unknown how they are discovered and whether it is an instantaneous reaction._

· _Immortal- yes_

· _Killing- Kill each other by ripping apart and burning. Potentially Fiendfire?_

 ** _History:_**

 _Unknown_

 ** _Leadership:_**

 _Led by the Volturi, a large scale coven operating out of Volterra, Italy. Only a little information has been gathered now by the Italian Ministry of Magic and they requested aid in the seeking of knowledge regarding this type of vampire. The coven comprises of over twenty members, led by three brothers (?), two of them are mated. Other members are guards who leave the compound to see other covens. Leaders do not. They feed from tourists around Italy and Europe. Employ some human workers, keep up charade?_

"Well this is a cheerful and very thorough report...! But I have some questions…"

Withers, Kingsley and Hermione all looked at each other for a moment as if trying to decide whether or not to risk Harriet's questions before looking at the Italian Auror, Abiatti who sat in the office beside them.

"Okay"

"Firstly, why does someone have to go there, can't an animagus form be used? Secondly, why are we involved, isn't this the Italian Ministry's problem?"

"Unfortunately our Ministry does not have the means for this endeavour and as it was a British Unspeakable who first made the discovery then it was decided the British would pioneer the research."

"Alrighty then, and the answer to my first question?"

"Animals do not go near them, if they suddenly had a house cat appear in their palace they would see it as something suspicious Harry" said Hermione.

"Now, will you do this or not Miss. Potter"

"Withers, you always have to bring me back to earth. I take it I will be paid danger pay? And have several contacts in Italy, just in case. Oh and emergency portkeys."

"Yes to the last two and we can negotiate on the first. If…If you get the job."

"That is a point, how am I going to get the job, I have only worked in the magical world?"

"Harry, I know that you do not research outside of necessity but the entire Ministry for Magic has a muggle façade as does Gringots and Hogwarts. As you have worked for all of those at some point we will use those as your references. Both Gringots and Hogwarts have reputations in the outside world as very exclusive and private establishments, together with the Ministry which Muggle side is called Emry's Industries you have a very good CV."

"Right, so when is this interview thing?"

Abiatti answered, "In three days' time, you therefore have three days to learn your background story and prepare for an interview. We do not know how or why they hire people but just try to get the position"

"It will be easy, don't worry. I will be my usual charming self and get the job"

"That is what we are worried about Harriet", Kingsley said as Harriet picked up her papers and left the room.

"Are you sure she is the right person for the job, actually are you sure she defeated a Dark Lord?"

"Shhhh, don't let her hear you say that you idiot. Otherwise she will feel the need to duel you and you will end up in St Mungo's before you can say 'treacle tart'."

"I know you may think that Withers is being overdramatic, Abiatti, but she is amazing with magic and it is difficult not to like her… eventually…"

"You fill me with confidence…"

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 **Next chapter will be in Italy, I wonder how the Volturi will cope with Harriet...?**

 **There is a poll up for who Harriet will end up with, pretty much anything goes but please do take the poll so I can start writing the next few chapters**


	3. Chapter 3

**More Harriet Potter madness, she is a little crazy. She wasn't supposed to be but I had to much fun writing her as a little, tiny bit crazy. Anyway, trying to imagine a job interview with the Volturi was difficult but tell me what you think, I am in need of some constructive criticism with this chapter.**

 **Ohh, someone asked how long until the events of Twilight and New Moon, at the moment I am envisioning a few more chapters, because I felt Harriet should get really stuck into her job...of annoying everyone in the Volturi!**

 **As ever, I don't own Harry Potter or Twilight, I just enjoy altering all the characters...**

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Chapter 3:

"Harriet, we are going to give you some very important rules that you must follow whilst you are under cover. These are for your own safety. Understand?"

"Yes, Kingsley, please make sure there aren't too many, I will struggle to remember them otherwise"

"Firstly, remember, you know nothing of the supernatural world, you are a normal human…"

"Well, drrr"

Kingsley ignored the outburst, "Second, you are to remain within touching distance of a portkey and your extendable bag at all times, the activation phrase will be 'vampires suck balls'" Kingsley looked pained at this.

"Who set that as the activation?"

"A certain red headed friend of yours who decided that it would be funny if you had to escape from a group of vampires and left with those as your departing words…"

"Remind me to thank Ron later."

"Thirdly, at no point should you deliberately antagonise the vampires, this includes but is not limited to: calling them leeches (or any variation of), asking them 'how the men get it up' (yes I heard your discussion with Hermione), try to avoid referencing Dracula or any other vampire book from the muggle world. Don't try to be Slytherin about it and get past this rule, we don't want you to get eaten… Oh, and no calling them names as you did Voldermort, as funny as calling him the Dork Lord, Voldewhore or Voldetortoise was, please refrain. Understand"

Harriet sulked at this, all her wonderful ideas were not allowed, but she nodded (with her fingers crossed under the desk, she was supposed to be in Slytherin for a reason...).

"Harriet, we understand this mission is going to be difficult and basically requires you to do things that do not come naturally to you, such as following orders, being respectful, wearing dresses, being helpful…"

"I resent those accusation, I follow orders…"

"…if you agree with them…"

"I can be respectful if they deserve it…"

"…Severus Snape would say otherwise…"

"I wear dresses to those God awful balls you organise…"

"…the fact that you had to be chased around London to get you into one says otherwise…"

"and I can be helpful, ask the entire population of wizarding Britain, killing the Dark Slut was helpful…"

Kingsley sighed, he felt the need now to alter his bet that Harriet would survive two months under cover without being attacked. His was the second longest bet, Hermione had bet three months, Ron was optimistic, two weeks he said. Severus had bet two days (he believed Harriet would disrespect one of the kings), Fred and George had gone for under a week. Basically, no one was optimistic about Harriet's chances.

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Sitting in the car from Florence to Volterra, Harriet was distinctly uncomfortable. She didn't really like the heat and it was quite a long drive in a dress that made Harriet feel she should be pulling down every five seconds. The driver was a member of the Italian Ministry and the car itself was designed with a locator in it so that Harriet could apparate right into the back of the car itself, even if it was moving. It was a clever trick and made her feel slightly safer.

The worst thing that the assignment had been told to her about three hours before she arrived in Italy: No drinking… Utter bastards. She was about to be dropped off to go for an interview with a group of vampires who may or may not eat her at some point and she is told no drinking until she gets back… if she gets back. Maybe Kingsley was right and she may be getting slightly pessimistic about life... however with her luck pessimism was the least of her worries…or character flaws.

Arriving in Volterra, Harriet decided it was rather pretty and if she wasn't about to get eaten she would rather enjoy the whole experience. It had the narrow streets and city walls that gave it a charm that was lacking in Surrey. Still didn't compare to Hogwarts… I mean what could compare to a school whose statues could come to life to defend it? Maybe if… Harriet stopped her train of thought which had suddenly gone off track and was now heading into weird territory. Instead Harriet forced her Occulumency shields up. One of the most important discoveries of the early spies at Volterra was that one of the kings could read everyone's thoughts through touch. Which wasn't creepy at all, did he have to wear gloves to bed or something? Anyway. Through a few charms and reordering of her mental shields Harriet had managed to hide all the thoughts about magic, leaving only mundane thoughts about day to day life. Hopefully it would be enough to fool the creepy bastard.

Seeing the car had stopped Harriet climbed out, climbed really was the right word, for she had the grace and elegance of a newborn foal, maybe she should get lessons from Narcissa Malfoy, she was fun to annoy? Seriously though, getting out of a car elegantly was about as easy as exiting the floo gracefully… or apparition… or portkeys, basically any form of transport other than a broom.

She stood in front of a rather innocuous door sheltered under a portico, glancing back at her driver to check this was the right place, Harriet strode forward to knock on the door. Harriet wanted alcohol. And Hermione, she was the level headed one. And maybe Ron for some comic relief. That was a little mean maybe Harriet mused, there must be something Ron was good at over the years, other than chess and eating? Nope, nothing came to mind, seriously was there anything?

The door was opened rather suddenly by a man who was at least 6 ft 5 and built like a tank on steroids. And of course Harriet couldn't keep her mouth shut,

"What in damn hell did they feed you?"

Red eyes looked down at her rather shocked at her words.

"Harriet Potter?"

"Yes that is me, sorry about that but seriously...?"

"Would you like to come in?"

The gorilla in a cloak had obviously chosen to move past the outburst and she was invited into the lair, there had to be a better name than that. Bat cave? No. Castle Volturi-vania? Unoriginal. A project for another time then, she should make a list. Harriet was led through several corridors, her guide making no effort at small talk. Well, what exactly could he say Harriet wondered, a vampire commenting on the weather or state of the economy would be more than a little weird. And Harriet trying to start a conversation on the benefits of O-Neg compared to AB would see her killed within an instant for knowing the secret. Reaching a door, the gorilla opened it and ushered Harriet inside. This room was actually quite light although there were no windows, inside was a table with three chairs on one side and a single chair on the other.

Harriet had been warned this may happen, she would be interviewed by the Guard people and then get to meet the Kings. Gorilla asked her to take a seat whilst he went to find the other two people. Harriet did so, rather glad of the time to calm down and remind herself not to have any more sarcastic outbursts. Soon two others entered the room, one was a smallish man with a rather pointed race, Harriet therefore dubbed him Ferret Face the II, and the other, a blonde woman, rather stunning, who seemed to have a perpetual sneer. Really these vampires must be related to Malfoy as the woman had the patented Malfoy sneer down to a 't'. Standing as they entered Harriet was once again reminded of her diminutive stature, even in the four inch heels (liberally spelled with comfort and cushioning charms) she only came up to the shoulder of the woman. Genetics did not favour her. None of them had shaken her hand nor introduced themselves, Harriet felt so special and wanted.

After a few obvious questions such as 'why do you want to work here?' (because she was ordered too), 'what do you think your weaknesses are?' (attracting homicidal dark lords and a hero complex worse than Hercules, also an inability to keep her mouth shut), 'what are you ambitions?' (surviving six months in this job without getting eaten), 'are you a good team player?' (Quidditch maybe, anything else, not really, unless sarcastic comments and snark were appreciated). Really why they went through this charade Harriet would never know... After ten minutes all three stood up and said they were going to speak to their bosses quickly.

* * *

Right, this was a dilemma, Harriet would fully admit she wasn't the greatest actor in the world. And now she had to pretend to a bunch of vampires that she didn't know that they were highly likely suck her blood. She hadn't quite decided how she was going to play the whole thing… She could go for the dramatic: 'Please don't eat me, please, I beg you' routine. Or she could pretend to faint, though that may not help as they could likely tell from her heart beat of whatever that she wasn't out cold. Or she could just act chill with the whole thing. She could totally pretend to do that and it would likely disconcert them. Decision made Harriet continued waiting for her escort to the Kings of the bloodsuckers. At this point Harriet couldn't quite decide what she would want more, fight the Dork Lord again or have to play nice to vampires. Not that she had much time to think about it as at that moment the door entered and Ferret Face the II returned.

As Harriet followed Demetri through the halls she memorised the path, this had been one of the things she was supposed to do, construct a map of the interior of the castle/lair. It was a rather dismal place and Harriet wondered why anyone would ever enter the building willingly. Ferret Face the II stopped in front of a pair of double doors and pulled one open, gesturing for her to enter before her. Harriet did so and found herself in a circular room covered with white marble. In the guise of looking at the architecture, Harriet noticed the various cloaked figures around the edge of the room and the three men sitting on thrones on a dais.

The dark haired one spoke, "Ahhh, so this is Miss Potter? Do you like the room?"

"I must say I was unaware that Michelangelo designed any buildings in Volterra… this was designed by Michelangelo wasn't it?"

"What makes you say that?"

"There are similar elements in the Medici New Sacristy in the Basilica of San Lorenzo, particularly proportionally, no?"

"I find myself impressed, your CV does not suggest you understood art?"

"Little more than a hobby I assure you"

The brown haired one spoke next, "Aro, we have neglected to introduce ourselves. I am Marcus, this is Caius and you have spoken with Aro."

"I thank you for your introduction sir, I am, as has been said, Harriet Potter"

"You are English?"

"Yes sir, I was born in Wales, lived in England and attended school in Scotland"

"Get on with it Aro" Blondie added, well he was cheerful person obviously, he too had the 'Malfoy sneer'… Maybe it was a characteristic of the species?

"Correct as ever Caius. Now, Miss Potter, I take it you are aware that if you get this job you will be acting as a secretary?"

"No… really, I thought I would be a truck driver, see I even dressed up pretty for the job" Silence followed Harriet's statement and she felt the need to break it, "sorry, the snark is strong with me"

"…Right. Anyway, you must understand that the world is a different place from what you may see. There is so much more to it than you may comprehend at the moment, we are giving you the opportunity to see…"

Harriet droned out of his monologuing, he was on a par with Voldeshort at the moment who could monologue for Britain when the mood took him. It was quite funny, tell the witch pretending to be a human that there were other species. The irony was wonderful and it was good that Harriet controlled her sniggering. Oh wait, Creepy Guy was saying something important.

"… Understand we are not human!"

Dramatic pause… was Harriet supposed to say something, she had plenty of witty retorts but thought better than to use them at this point in time… maybe later? Oh wait, no, he was off again. He must have so much practice at explaining this, you would think he would have got bored and just gone with the 'bam, we are vampires' routine instead of some great oration, he would only have to explain it again to another person in six months or so. It would save a lot of confusion. Harriet again decided she should listen.

"… we have existed for many eons without discovery and hope to continue to do so you understand…"

Nope, Harriet was out again, trying to stop a snort of derision. Really the witches and wizards had discovered the vamps before they had discovered them. Anyway, back to listening.

"… we are the kings of the vampires!"

Aro looked down with arms spread at the human in front of him. Harriet took that as a sign that she should respond. Nine out of ten for dramatic finishes, Dumbles could do better, after all he ended speeches with such words of wisdom as 'Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!' There are few who could top such genius and madness, Harriet saw it as her duty to try though.

"…Right... like 'One, Two, Three. Three vampire kings. Mwah ah ah'?"

Aro looked stumped "I don't know what that means"

"Cultural references are lost on you all aren't they, sarcasm too apparently. May I have some proof of your claims, I mean it is all very well but unless I see some coffins, or a lack of reflection in mirrors then I am afraid I simply cannot believe you"

Blondie snarled "Myth and reality are different you irritating child"

"I know, but every myth is routed somewhere in reality. I still need proof though."

Marcus appeared bored by now, "Felix"

With that Felix suddenly appeared in front of Harriet, picked her up and then deposited her at the other side of the room so fast it appeared the movement appeared a blur. He then walked into a patch of sun that shone through an aperture in the roof. Seeing him sparkle, Harriet lost it.

"You sparkle, you are vampires who sparkle, I am sorry but really. The stories got it really wrong… Ohh, this is so cool, not the sparkling but, that is a bit girly, but the fact you exist."

"Cool, it is cool, why aren't you running away or screaming?" Caius was really rather grumpy, maybe it was his time of the month Harriet thought.

"Well, there isn't much I can do is there, I am standing surrounded by twenty two vampires? Running won't help much will it and I presume that you are rather strong."

"You are an odd human… Would it scare you if you knew there were werewolves?"

Harriet almost laughed out loud again at that. She knew werewolves, she played with werewolves. Remus was awesome when he was a werewolf and Teddy was even cuter so long as they was on the Wolfsbane, otherwise they were like a hormonal Hermione, Harriet had had to contend with that during school time enough.

"At least they are only dangerous at the full moon, I don't want to enlarge your egos but I feel you are more dangerous as you can kill me all month round. Or are the werewolf stories a load of shite too?"

More silence, the vampires just stared at her with mouths agape trying to decide if she was for real she supposed. Maybe vampires were slow or something, or the venom destroyed their brain cells as they changed?

"...Right.." Aro said, he seemed to say that a lot, Harriet decided he needed a therapist, kick him of that habit pretty quickly.

He continued, "One of the perks of the job is that if you are deemed a suitable candidate we will turn you into an immortal" Was that supposed to be a perk, Harriet thought, no eating, having to drink blood and watch everyone being stupid around you... "But first may I take your hand, you see I have a special power, I can read your every thought with a touch and I must be certain of your suitableness, I am sure you understand?"

"That is a little creepy... but sure, here you go?"

Offering him her hand, Harriet reached her other hand into her jacket pocket to the emergency portkey that sat there, just in case. About thirty seconds later Aro released her hand and looked at Harriet with slight shock. Not that she was surprised, after all, it is difficult to think up a whole life time of memories and thoughts so up until her eleventh birthday had been left for him to see whilst the memories of magic were faded and there were some blank spots from time to time.

"You have had a hard life, my child. I believe we can offer you the job, work starts tomorrow at nine. Someone will take you now to the apartment that has been prepared for you. We will see you tomorrow"

* * *

Aro watched the girl leave with Chelsea with some confusion.

"What is it Aro?" Marcus questioned seeing his brother's perplexed expression

"Her mind and life are odd, she had a bad upbringing but some of her mind is fuzzy and murky, like trying to listen through water."

"Could it be a talent?"

"Aro we have no need to collect anymore" Caius growled

"It is not like that brother, but I think we should keep an eye on her, just in case. Felix, tell the guard not to kill her, she bears watching"

* * *

 _Hey Kingsley! Guess what? I got the job, I am now officially the secretary to the Volturi. They are pretty decent people/corpses/cadavers/leeches. I don't know half their names yet but the kings are called Aro, Caius and Marcus. I think Aro must have been high when he was changed, he is even crazier than me. Caius is a grumpy cow, his temperament can be compared to a hormonal veela (he is about as narcissistic too I think). Marcus appears to have about as much personality as a rock at the bottom of the Black Lake, but don't worry I will make extra especially sure to try to help him... Ohhh, the estimates of vamps in the building are way too low, apparently covens come in and out nearly all the time and they are loyal to them. (I think there must be some sort of compulsion at work as I felt something nudging at my mind shields). Anyway, the occulmancy shields worked fine, although that reminds me, I need to ask how Aro can sleep with his wife, cause that must be awkward. Unless he wears gloves. If I slept with someone and he wore gloves all the time that would be a little creepy. Probably dump his arse._

 _Sorry, I went off track there, silly brain. Anyhow, hope life is fine. I can't wait to get to work tomorrow learning all about the vamps. It should be fun, they are all miserable as anything, I feel I should introduce them to meditation or some kittens to help them relax and let it go. Do you think they would eat a kitten? I need to ask them tomorrow..._

 _So, this is my highly professional report at the end of day one undercover. I will report back tomorrow._

 _Harriet,_

 _P.S. I am still expecting everyone to avenge me should I die. Understand?_

Kingsley was sitting in his office, with the Head of the Aurors, another Italian auror and Hermione and Ron. By the time Kingsley had finished reading the letter that appeared in one of a pair of charmed connected letter boxes (the other of which Harriet had with her in Italy), Hermione's head was in her hands as she muttered about moronic friends, Ron was giggling to himself whilst the other three just sat, mouths open wide as they tried to process and remember exactly why they thought Harriet Lily Potter would be a suitable person to go undercover with vampires.

* * *

 **Thank you for everyone who has voted so far in the poll, it will be up for a few more days and then I will take it down and work out who Harriet is going to be paired with. At the moment it looks like either Caius or Jasper, if there is a tie between them it may end up a triad! Edward is not feeling the love sorry!**

 **It may take me a little longer to post the next chapter, trying to keep the same level of snark and humour is proving a little tricky at times and I would prefer not to rush the chapters out of unnecessary. However, I will be updating both of my other stories so keep an eye out for them.**

 **Just realised as I finished writing this how varied the length of my chapters are, sorry for that!**


	4. Chapter 4

**The results of the poll are in and the pairing is ... (drum roll please)... Harriet and Caius. It was really close so sorry to those who voted for Jasper. There may still be a chance for it to turn into a triad if the story heads in that direction. I have no idea at the moment, Harriet's thought train is pretty crazy so it may end up in a Harriet/Caius/Jasper relationship and maybe not...**

 **As ever I don't own Harry Potter or Twilight**

* * *

Chapter 4:

At nine the next morning, Harriet re-entered the castle to be met by Chelsea once more. She had spent the night in relative luxury, the apartment that the vamps had given her was a rather large open plan modern one with lots of space. Apparently everyone at home hadn't appreciated her letter home so this morning in her box which was paired with one in Britain, she found a letter which implored her to not be an idiotic moron before. The letter then self-destructed and made a mess of her perfectly white kitchen surface, which wasn't nice of them, they could have at least found a different way for all their top-secret-special-not-to-be-read-by-anyone correspondence. Anyway, Harriet had been in a little, innsie bit of a mood until she entered the Volturi lair.

"Come human" Chelsea intoned.

Harriet had realised several years ago that she was happy when others were miserable, she became even happier when she was the reason for someone's irritation and angst. Chelsea appeared positively delighted with her new job as the one to introduce whatever-the-hell-Harriet's-job was with the Volturi. Therefore, Harriet was happy suddenly, she had the valuable opportunity to investigate the temperament of these vampires in the natural habitat… This of course meant that she had to scientifically investigate how bad their tempers were and how easy they were to irritate. Harriet was sure that this information would be invaluable for the wizarding world.

Her brain of course got side-tracked at this point, would she be remembered more for killing the Dork Lord or for her inquiries into Muggle Vampires…? Mind you, Dumbledore Chocolate Frog card read that he was 'Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and ten-pin bowling.' (i) Harriet had yet to get a chocolate frog card made of her, which was awfully mean of them, after all if she had to choose between chocolate frog cards and her Order of Merlin First Class, it would be the pentagon shaped card all the way…However, to get his Dumbledore had defeated a Dark Lord and written valuable research. Would this examination into vampires allow Harriet the high honour of a chocolate frog card…? Would that vaunted honour then allow her a lifetime supply of the chocolatey goodness? Okay, Harriet decided, her brain needed to get back on track… after all she had missed quite a lot of the journey from the door of the castle to the door into the throne room…. She would compose her chocolate frog card later, after all she had to beat Dumbledore's somehow…. Challenge accepted!

Chelsea was by now pushing open the door into the throne room where her new bosses sat upon their werid thrones. Seriously, if Harriet was queen she would have a solid gold throne that could be carried around be her slaves when she wanted to go somewhere. Harriet nudged her brain back on track as the vamps looked over at her,

"Morning all!"

There was a moment of silence before Aro spoke, "Yes, it is morning, what of it?"

It took Harriet a moment to process what he was asking, "It is another form of expression, and really I should make a phrase book for you, otherwise you are going to not understand the modern world. And that would be a shame, it is rather fun."

"…Right" There was a moment of silence as the kings' of the vampires' processed her words before Aro ploughed on again, "Shall we discuss your duties now?"

"I am all ears, Mr. Boss Man"

Aro was a little baffled for a moment, "No you aren't all ears"

"Another expression, Sir, shall we continue?"

"…Yes. Your basic duties are to answer the phone from human tourists and vampire visitors. It is not unusual for covens to come to visit or nomads to pop in occasionally. There is a strict no-hunting-without-permission rule for vampires in Volterra so you are unlikely to be in danger from them whilst you are here"

Harriet muttered at this, "Nice to know…"

Aro ploughed on though, "You will also be responsible for organising deliveries and other jobs like that if needed. Are you clear then?"

"Yes, sir" Harriet said as she snapped a military style salute

"What does that mean?" Felix the Tank asked.

Harriet tried to think of a definition for a moment, "It is a sign of respect for superiors in the outside world. When soldiers and some members of the government see someone of a higher rank to them they salute to show deference. I didn't mean any impertinence by it"

Caius looked thoughtful, "So it is similar to the Roman army salutes?"

"Yes, just a modern version"

"I think that the lower guard should salute when they see us, what do you think brothers? If it is a sign of respect than we deserve it." Caius stated as he turned to his brothers.

Harriet, hearing this discussion wrinkled her nose in confusion, she had accidently caused the Volturi kings to demand their subordinates salute to them? Or at least that was what it seemed like…. Oh well, if they thought it was a good idea then who was she to stop them?

Within a couple of minutes of discussion, the three Volturi kings had decided that all the guards apart from mosquitos called Felix, Jane, Alec, Retana, Chelsea, Heidi, Demetri, who were apparently 'upper guard' whatever that meant (Harriet was pretty sure it was a fencing term but hey, what did it matter) had to salute the kings when they met them. After this decision was made the three kings once again turned to Harriet.

"We thank you for introducing us to this sign of respect, you shall continue it whenever you meet with us." Aro intoned

Harriet answered, more than a little bamboozled by the entire situation, "Thank you?"

Caius then dismissed her with a flick of the hand and a curt, "Chelsea shall show you your desk and your other duties."

With that Harriet turned to the female Draco look-a-like who gestured to the door once more. She was led through the dark halls for a few minutes into a light atrium that looked like it came from an account's office rather than, you know, the kings of the vampires.

"Here you go, human, your desk. The large doors to the right are where the tourists come in when they are brought in to be dinner whilst the elevator on the left is used by visiting vampires. You will not tell the walking dinner what we are, otherwise you will join them, understand human?"

It was clear that Chelsea was trying to scare her, not that it did much, her threats were nowhere near as good as Snape... However, Harriet felt the need to answer, whether or not the leech wanted it or now, "I understand perfectly, thank you for informing me". The use of 'media-smile-number-29' apparently was disconcerting, after all Harriet supposed, it was not everyday that a vampire threatened someone and then received a genial smile in response.

* * *

Three hours later, Harriet was bored. There wasn't a lot of work to do really so she started to try to see how far she could propel herself across the smooth atrium floor on her desk chair which obviously had wheels to amuse bored secretaries. The noise must have attracted a few of the vampire guards as when Harriet turned the Tank, Ferret Face II, Female Malfoy and Blonde Shortie were all there watching with bemusement.

"Hello!" Harriet said.

Blondie decided to answer the gentile greeting with a rude: "What do you think you are doing? You should be working"

"I have done it all, seriously it is all easy. Is there anything else I can do as I am bored, what did your previous secretaries do when they finished everything?"

There was silence and it stuck Harriet that maybe it was unusual that everything was finished. If that was the case then they hired dumb blondes or something like that. The most complicated part of it all was working out how to adjust the height of the desk chair, Harriet was aware she was small but really, there was no need for the desk to be that height.

"You can't have done everything?" Chelsea stated

That was a little mean Harriet thought, "Well I have sorted all the post into the pigeonholes, booked the jet to America. There was one call from a couple of nomads who are coming to visit in a fortnight, I have put them in the diary as I was told to. Was there anything else I had to do, I crossed everything off the list?"

Chelsea answered again, "No, that was everything. How did it take you so little time, it took the others all morning to do a list like that?"

"Because I am not an idiot, seriously, there was so little work on that list. Are you sure you weren't hiring morons?"

Blondie was keen to speak up at that, "Don't be disrespectful, we have killed for less"

"I am sure that is true, but seriously can I have some more work to do?"

Demetri answered this, "We shall speak to the kings for you. Find something to do for now though, I am sure there are more productive things to do than... whatever you were doing when we came in"

"Right-ho, thank you!"

* * *

 _Super-duper Top Secret Report from the You-Know-What Mission in You-Know-Where, Day Number 2:_

 _Hello Kingsley and whoever you have in your office when you are reading this! I can confirm that as of 2201 hours I am alive, I have not lost any blood and I am not bruised, battered or hurt in any other way. Whether I am the same tomorrow is another matter._

 _So today I started my job properly, there isn't much to do but I am working through the list of tasks you have me, I am going to just double check all the information, it would be awful if any of it was incorrect. Basically my main job is greeting people and answering the phone... I can hear you say it, I know, they Woman-Who-Won, the esteemed Girl-Who-Lived, answering phones... How wrong is it? A total misuse of people and skills. I have been threatened a little against telling anyone that they are about to be eaten when they come to visit the castle. That wasn't very nice of them._

 _Below is a basic summary of some of the guards:_

 _Chelsea- looks like a female-Draco-Malfoy, can't compete with his sneer though. She is the guard I have interacted with most. Seems to have some sort of mind power_

 _Demetri- smallish, pointed face and dark hair. Again, might have a mind power?_

 _Felix- Tank on steroids is an accurate description (ask Hermione if you can't understand the reference). Seems rather slow?_

 _Jane- About thirteen years old, likes to glare a lot, vision problems? Small and blonde, possible mind power_

 _Alec- Looks like Jane, sibling? Small with dark hair, another mind power, he pouts a lot?_

 _Retana- appears glued to Aro, literally when he stands, she follows. Maybe its his magnetic personality...? See this is why you shouldn't send me undercover alone, I get even crazier. Back on track though..._

 _Heidi- Could turn me, quite literally sex on legs, probably shouldn't show any photo of her to Ron, think Veela and more. Potentially maybe the equivalent to the village bicycle for the Volturi?_

 _I will fill in more information in the next few days when I know a little more about them..._

 _Lots of love to all (except Kingsley and everyone else who banned me from alcohol),_

 _Harriet_

 _P.S. I was wondering yesterday whether Ron did anything to help or to destroy Voldermort, other than eat and play a game of chess? I was trying to remember but struggled, I know there was something but I seem to be forgetting it._

 _P.P.S. I accidentally introduced the concept of saluting to the Volturi Kings, they now have all the 'lower guard' salute when they see them. Can you tell me whether this was a good thing or not?_

 _P.P.P.S. I am sending a present for Teddy's birthday, I have not forgotten... Hx_

Today Ron was the first to react to the 'report' that Harriet sent, "GET ME SOME PAPER NOW, I DID LOTS TO HELP... I...I..., actually Hermione, what did I do?"

His wife sighed and thought for a moment, and then another, "Ohhh, I know, you rescued Harriet when she jumped into a pond in winter to reach a sword"

"SEE I DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN EAT AND PLAY CHESS, TAKE THAT HARRIET"

"Shall we return to the matter at hand, Mr Weasley?" Kingsley asked.

Ron looked confused for a second, "What is there to discuss, she is alive?"

Kingsley tried to think of something to discuss but couldn't, he himself was still recovering from the 'report' that he had just read.

The moment of silence was broken by Hermione sniggering slightly, "You know what this means?" she asked. Receiving no response she continued, "Snape looses the bet, she survived two days under cover."

Laughter rang through the room at this as they decided to go find the man in question and tell him the good news.

* * *

 **I didn't think it possible but apparently it was possible for this story to get even more random and crazy, who knew right? In the next chapter there shall be some Harriet/vampire bonding as she introduces him to the joys of modern life!**

 **As ever, tell me what you think.**

 **(i) Obviously from the books, Dumbledore's chocolate card entry**


	5. Chapter 5

**Onto chapter 5 and thank you for the positive response that I have been getting for this story.**

 **Vampire bonding time as Harriet continues to irritate and amuse the Volturi, on a side note Harriet is going to be highly manipulative for a bit.**

 **Please read and review this for me.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter and I am writing for fun.**

* * *

 _Dear Bane of my life,_

 _I bet five galleons that you would be killed within two days. You couldn't even do that correctly and now you continue to be a pain in my arse for at least another day. I have a new task you, I need you to get some vampire venom, remember your research matters more than your life, I don't care if you portkey back dying so long as there is a vial of vampire venom with you, understand? Actually, that is a preferable scenario, although I will of course ensure you don't die on my laboratory floor._

 _Unfortunately still in contact with you,_

 _Professor Snape_

Well that was a cheery letter from her ex-potions master. Vampire venom. That shouldn't be too hard to get, although Harriet didn't suppose she could just waltz in and ask for a vial of their finest venom. The second letter in her little box was from Ron,

 _Dear Girl-Who-Is-No-Longer-My-Friend,_

 _I will have you know that I did a lot to help defeat the Dark Lard. I saved your life when you jumped into a pond to fetch the Sword of Gryffindor. Ha... Take that you evil cow. Anyway, I am glad you seem to be having fun on your mission thing, for some reason I am not allowed to go on missions without you so I am on desk work and filing. I didn't realise how much of it we avoided, so I hate you even more as I have to do it all for us while you are on holiday._

 _I don't really have anything else to tell you, life is dull,_

 _Ron_

Harriet shook her head sadly as she read her friend's letter, he tried so hard to be as cool as her and failed totally. After all, he tried to call Voldermort, the 'Dark Lard', Harriet snorted, that was unacceptable. Ron couldn't even copy her effectively, shame as their friendship was so good up until now... Although, it was nice to know that Ron did things other than eat and play chess, indeed she could now tick that off her list of questions to be answered, next on the list was to find out whether Victor Krum was as 'big' as everyone suggested... Maybe she could invite him over for a weekend so that she could inspect his bludger's bat... or would broomstick be a better analogy? Oh well, onto Kingsley's letter which would be naturally dull and tedious.

 _Dear Auror Potter,_

 _Whilst I am glad to know that you will be sending your godson a birthday present can we please keep your reports on topic and professional. The Italian Ministry is wanting to see them and I don't particularly want to send them reports recording that you may or may not be questioning your sexuality. I am glad though that you are gaining an insight into the workings of the Volturi, whilst we do not see a problem with introducing the Volturi to saluting, please don't try to teach them any other things like that. You are supposed to be anonymous and not drawing attention to yourself._

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Kingsley Shacklebolt, Minister for Magic_

Well that was all bull, the Italians would love to know her sexual preferences, probably her positions too... Maybe she was just adopting stereotypes there, was that wrong? Harry wrinkled her nose in thought, oh well. She had work to go to, which was useful as she had to work out how to get venom from a vampire, it couldn't be that different from milking a snake could it? Time to experiment... Yayyy!

* * *

"Hello everyone, how did everyone sleep?"

Harriet's oh so innocent question led to odd looks and silence from the small cluster of vampires in the atrium of the Volturi Castle. Raising her eyebrow at them in obvious question, the incognito witch waited for an answer.

Felix decided to give one eventually, "We don't sleep human"

Harriet mouth fell open, "You don't sleep, like at all?" Receiving an nod of affirmation Harriet continued aghast, "What do you do with your immortal lives, seriously I would just eat and sleep if I were immortal... Wait, you do eat don't you?"

Obviously more than a little bemused by the whole conversation, Demetri answered, "Humans yes, but we can't eat food or anything but blood"

"No treacle tart... for eternity? How is that even possible?"

"Well seeing as we don't know what treacle tart, it is relatively easy" was Demetri's snarky reply.

Harriet pouted before sighing, "Well I need to start my work, I take it there is some more for me to do?"

Jane snarled, "Yes, start working and stop annoying us all."

"Okie-dookie"

* * *

Four hours later, Harriet was bored again. Seriously there had to be more to do, so far she had filed some old paperwork, sorted the mail, answered the phone (which only rang twice) and then tidied a guest room for a couple of leeches who were coming to stay. Although, Harriet did ruminate that at least her dearest Aunt Petunia taught her to clean a room quickly... At this point, Harriet was considering whether or not to resume trying to break her record in 'Desk-Chair-Sliding' or go find something to do. She decided to do the latter and so left to the small kitchen that was off the atrium for her to make her lunch in.

Twitching her nose as she opened cupboards, Harriet was struck by a simply brilliant and perfect idea. It was such a good idea that it surprised even herself and that was saying something as naturally all of Harriet's ideas were awesome. For some reason the vampires had stocked the kitchenette with everything, including tart tins and baking ingredients. Horrified as she was by the idea of those poor poor vampires who had suffered centuries without tasting treacle tart, Harriet decided to rectify the situation. So she decided to make a treacle tart, or rather she made two. The smaller one (not that much smaller of course) was a normal treacle tart (the epitome of the perfect food) whilst in the second one, Harriet made the second with synthetic blood from a flask from her expandable emergency pouch. This was clearly an emergency, a world without treacle tart was a world without life, without hope and without love. Okay, maybe she was a little too dramatic Harriet considered but she had a right to be Merlin-dammit.

As she mixed the synthetic blood, that was the main ingredient in Blood Pops, into both the pastry and the filling of one tart Harriet ruminated on whether the vamps would be able to eat it. It would be a shame if they wouldn't... If they did though, Harriet could be the David Attenborough for vampires, ' _and here we see the magical vampire in their natural environment...they are a creature of great beauty and grace however their evolution and transformation has created some unfortunate_ _characteristics including the inability to eat food like treacle tart...'_ That would be fun Harriet thought. She could start a radio programme, although then people wouldn't see the vamps sparkle and they wouldn't believe her if she said they sparkled like a disco ball in the Sahara.

Harriet was disrupted from her once again bizarre train of thought by the timer for the tarts. Opening the oven Harriet was almost sent into a trance by the smell of treacle tarts. Her one was utterly perfect, the other with the 'special ingredient' was slightly red but still looked good even to Harriet. Leaving them on a rack to cool slightly, Harriet walked back through to the Atrium wondering whether she should have seen the mind specialist after the end of the war to see whether housing Voldetart's horcrux had done any damage to her.

Sitting back down on her desk chair, Harriet found herself bored... again. Seriously, there was absolutely no need to have a secretary, it would take a vampire like twenty minutes to do everything she had done. Maybe she was just employed to be a emergency juice box is someone got especially thirsty. That was rather mean of them if it was true. Reclining her chair as far back as it could go, Harriet was disappointed to find that the corseting of her dress meant she couldn't have a comfortable nap... not that she would of course, that would be unprofessional and practically asking one of the mosquitoes to eat her. What made it worse was that the smell of treacle tart had slowly drifted into the atrium from the kitchen and that was distracting. Maybe she could have a small slice...actually no... Harriet was going to prove that she had self discipline, she wasn't going to eat any yet... in five minutes was another story of course.

Four minutes later, Jane, Felix and Demetri re-entered the room. Looking up at them Harriet smiled and gave a small wave, "Afternoon, I finished everything again. Is there anything else to do?"

The vampires looked at her in silence like she was the idiot, seriously, if they thought that the work that they gave her was a day's work, they were very wrong.

"Really?" Demetri asked "Maybe humans aren't as dumb as we thought they were"

Harriet was offended, "You think, I will remind you I have worked for one of the largest banks in Europe and one of the largest private companies in England. Methinks you hired for looks over brains... Anyway, I made some treacle tart, would you like some?"

"Are you an idiot?" Jane practically shrieked (Harriet was at this point considering whether the small blonde vampire was a long lost ancestor of Walburga Black) "We told you this morning that we can't eat food."

Harriet decided to bring out the big guns. It was time for...The Face (note the capital letters). Basically The Face was a series of facial movements developed with scientific evidence to be the cutest, most adorable expression ever such that no-one, absolutely no-one could say no. Harriet had learned them with the help of such people as the Creevey brothers and Teddy whilst Hermione assisted with the sciencey-stuff. There were of course variations of The Face that could be aimed at different people, as naturally the same expression couldn't be used against both Professor Minnie as well as Lucius Malfoy. The key was to decide what the subject would be most likely to fall for.

For Felix and Demetri decided the naive and doe-eyed expression was best. And so Harriet widened her eyes, tilted her head to the left at around 15 degrees, opened her mouth ever so slightly, looked up at the taller vampires through her long dark eyelashes and twisted her hands gently in front of her.

And in 3...2...1... they were gone and putty in her hands. "Well, treacle tart is my favourite food so I made some... And I thought you might like to try some... you know just 'cause you haven't before...?" Harriet ended by very gently biting her lower lip and looking down at the floor.

If the vampires had not been so distracted, they would have noticed a small smirk curling around Harriet's lip as she looked at the floor when, after a few heartbeats of silence, both Felix and Demetri both spoke again, "Of course, we will taste some...", "...A small piece can't hurt, after all you went to so much trouble to make some..." (All three ignored Jane's sputtering). Looking suddenly back up at the two vampires, Harriet smiled genially and asked hopefully, "Really? You are sure?" Receiving another set of badly formed sentences voicing their agreement to trying the tart, Harriet skipped back to the kitchen.

Ahhh, it was so nice to know that 'The Face' worked on vampires as well as teachers and arch nemesis' Harriet quickly cut two slices of the 'special' treacle tart and one of her treacle tart. Picking up three pastry forks, Harriet returned to the atrium and gave Felix and Demetri each a plate of tart. Noticing that they were both not quite so confident, Harriet cut a dainty portion and placed it in her mouth, sucking the fork slightly and softly moaning before looking back at the two vampires and blushing slightly.

And once again Felix and Demetri were stuttering messes. Harriet had few joys in life but being able to use The Face to this level was one of them, after all if she tried to use it on Kingsley or Snape then they would never ever fall for it, they had seen it too many times. Therefore, she wasn't able to use it too often, which was a shame as it was really rather fun.

Both vampires though quickly picked up the small forks, Felix's looked rather ridiculous in his spade size hands and cut a small piece of the tart and placed it into their mouths. Okay, Harriet was going to need to put this memory in a Pensieve, the poor dears looked so confused. Both men moaned slightly before discarding the forks and using their hands to eat the tart, half of which was the blood stuff. They were finished within a few seconds and Felix looked at the plates in his hands and then Harriet before back at the plate, like a confused puppy...that was as big as a large bear...

"That was amazing, what was in it?" Demetri asked.

"If I say secret ingredient would it stop you asking?"

"No... Felix get the tart thing, come on human?"

"Where are we going?" Seeing Felix emerge from the kitchen with both tarts, Harriet was quick to sort the situation, "NOOOOO, not the tart on the right, that is mine, no one else's..."

Receiving strange looks, Harriet shrugged before asking, "So... where are we going?"

She was ignored as she was dragged by Demetri down towards the throne room, Felix following with the tart whilst Jane trailed along behind complaining naturally, seriously she could be Malfoy's sister with the amount she complained, Harriet half expected her to start spouting the whole 'my father will hear about this' routine.

The Volturi kings were obviously in the middle of a meeting of sort with the other members of the guards and when Harriet was led in by the arm, it was obvious they were expecting her to be killed for some mistake. Seeing twenty or so vampires smirking with raised eyebrows wasn't a nice sight Harriet decided and she sniffed slightly and tried to regain some decorum.

"What is this interruption Demetri" Caius asked, sneering down at Harriet, seriously maybe he had an eye problem and needed to see a vampire doctor to sort it out Harriet thought.

"My kings, when we went to see the human she offered us some food she had made but when we tried it...it tasted... well amazing." Demetri answered, "She wouldn't tell us what was in it so we thought we would show it to you?"

"You are mad Demetri" Caius snarled, "Get rid of the girl and go back to your duties". Well that was nice, Harriet thought, she hadn't even finished her own treacle tart, maybe that could be her last meal or dying wish.

Aro decided to intervene at this moment, "Let us not be hasty brother, may I Felix?" he said putting out his hand, waiting for Felix guard to place his hand in his so that he could see his memories. Twenty seconds later, Aro released Felix's hand and looked down at Harriet with an eyebrow raised before looking at the sliced tart that sat in Felix's other hand. Picking up a slice, Aro looked at it intently before taking a bite. Looking at the guards around the room, Harriet was amused to see their dumbstruck expressions. Looking back at Aro, Harriet saw he had finished his slice and was now giving a slice to Caius and Marcus before nodding at them frantically. They naturally looked at him like he was a moron, a fact Harriet would be happy to debate. Marcus was the first to give in to Aro's encouragement and rolled his eyes before taking a bite, seeing his brother having taken a bite and not having spat it out, Caius deigned to try and he too finished the slice in a few seconds.

Harriet gulped as the full focus of the three vampire kings once more turned upon her. "My dear, may I take your hand?" Aro asked. Harriet tilted her head to the side for a few seconds, looking like she was mulling over the request however, as she well knew she could not refuse so she took the time to rearrange her memories and obscure the adding of the synthetic blood to throw off the vampires. Placing her hand into Aro's offered hand, Harriet watched the expressions flicker minutely over the vampire's face.

"It is odd that you are able to make food that is palatable for us. Tomorrow you shall make some more" Aro stated/ordered before he joined his brothers in leaving the room.

"Well that was weird" Harriet said as she watched the three kings (as well as the rest of the tart) disappear behind the closing doors.

"Could you be any more annoying, human?"

"Almost certainly, would you like me to try Jane?"

"Just because you amuse Aro and Marcus, doesn't mean the rest of us find you funny"

"Really, Felix seems to be laughing?"

With that Jane shrieked, throwing her hands up in the air.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SCARED OF US, WE COULD KILL YOU IN AN INSTANT AND YOU MAKE FUN OF US?"

"Well, firstly if I am going to die, then I would rather spend my last few days alive laughing and having fun. Secondly, I struggle not to say sarcastic things, it amuses me to see your reactions. Thirdly, I do not fear death as death is but the next great adventure" (i)

* * *

Just as Harriet was about to leave that evening the phone rang, by this point Harriet was exausted and really couldn't be bothered with the whole thing but knew she had to answer the phone.

"Volturi's vampire crematorium, you stake 'em, we bake 'em. Can I ask who is calling?"

"Erm..." came the highly confused reply over the line.

Harriet decided to throw them a line, "My apologies, this is Volturi Castle, how may I help?"

The male voice on the phone seemed to recover, "...Yes... I was planning to come to visit the three kings in a fortnight, could you please inform them?"

"Yes, of course sir. Could I please take a name, contact details and your exact dates" Harriet said, reaching for her diary.

Writing in the information as she put down the name Harriet sighed. Wonderful, more vamps coming to stay for ten days. Hopefully they, whoever they were, wouldn't eat her. Before closing the diary, Harriet checked over the information one more time, Carlisle and Esme Cullen, 21st-31st October, Washington Coven. Well that would be fun!

* * *

 **This is highly weird chapter I know and I am not totally sure it works but it was necessary for the story.**

 **(i) Of course this is from _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone,_ and said by Dumbledore**


	6. Chapter 6

**So we had out first mention of the Cullens, whilst they won't appear in this chapter, if all goes to plan we should meet them next chapter, this is only a short chapter as the next chapter, at the moment, is quite long.**

 **On a side note, there was a question about whether the Hallows exist at this point. They do exist and do relate to the later events...**

 **As ever please read and review, also I own neither Harry Potter nor Twilight...**

* * *

Chapter 6:

 _Dear Auror Potter,_

 _Whilst we appreciate that you need to collect some venom samples, please can you confirm how another thirty pints of synthetic blood will help? We have sent five pints over this morning but really, we need further confirmation as to the method you plan to use. Thank you for the partial list of covens that you sent us last night, we shall further research these covens over the next few weeks, we shall have to start with the ones in Europe for now._

 _There is a meeting of ICW next month and you may be required to attend the conference in order to discuss your findings with the global wizarding community. We shall sort dates further._

 _Yours respectfully,_

 _Head Auror Withers_

 _P.S. On a side note, please can you also confirm why having Victor Krum coming to stay would be beneficial to the mission?_

Having finished the letter, Harriet sighed. It seemed that Kingsley had given up writing to her. That was sad as his letters were fun, unlike dull old Withers who seemed to have taken a vow to never do anything fun along with his vow to protect the wizarding people of Britain. Really, he was a ball of fun at Christmas parties. Enlarging the shrunken package from the box, Harriet opened it to find bottles of synthetic blood. She scrunched up her face in thought, she didn't know how much or what she was going to have to cook today but at least she had plenty of the blood just in case. Harriet then looked back down the letter and reread it, it was only then that she noticed the phrase 'you may be required to attend'... Uhhh, no, no, no. Harriet would be the first to admit that on occasion she could lack...tact. Apart from anything else the only thing worse than having to discuss vampires with a bunch of stuffy old men would be having to go on a date with the Fart Lord. She would get out of it...somehow. Hermione could go play nice whilst Harriet could go do something useful like kill dark lords or something... Really Hermione was the sidekick Harriet thought, it was her job to do that type of thing.

* * *

Entering the Atrium once more, Harriet was slightly disappointed to see no one there, really she thought she was wonderful company, eloquent and interesting...much better than stuck-up Jane and snarly Caius. Putting her bag under her desk, Harriet started sorting the mail into the piles... for Aro...for Heidi...for Caius...for Aro...for Heidi...for Heidi... So caught up in her sorting was she that she missed Demetri enter the room until he coughed slightly from his position, standing in front of the desk. Looking up only briefly, Harriet held up a single finger and continued sorting the last few letters. Once she finished she turned back to the vampire standing, arms folded over his chest.

"Sorry, Demetri, was there something I could help you with?"

"Yes"

Well that was rude Harriet thought, she was being polite and helpful and she apologised, then she gets only a one word answer...rude people. Maybe they should have Kingsley lecture them in how to behave. "You do know that is a remarkably unhelpful answer" She asked.

"Yes"

Harriet sighed them mumbled, "Dear Merlin, it is like trying to get an answer from Goyle or Crabbe except I know he has more than one brain cell." Then louder, "Would you care to elaborate maybe?"

"The kings require your presence"

"See, that was a helpful answer and I am at their majesties commands, shall we leave?"

Demetri nodded, looking slightly confused at her lack of fear about going before the kings. Together the two traversed the halls of the castle, down to the throne room once more. Entering the room, Harriet was slightly shocked to see even more vampires, seriously there must be around thirty, hopefully she wasn't breakfast, everyone would be rather hungry if she was the only juice box available.

"Greetings, Miss Potter"

Harriet saluted at Aro's greeting, "What-ho Your highesses"

"...Right...We have discussed your ability to prepare food that is edible to vampires. How are you able to do it?" Aro asked.

"I don't really know." Here Harriet used one of her Faces, this one was the adorably cute one that she had learned from Teddy, "I just added some sugar substitutes."

Aro sighed, (Seriously Harriet thought, was he the only one who ever talked, Marcus just looked bored whilst Caius snarled) "Make us some more today so that we can all taste it again?"

"Of course, is there anything in particular you would like me to make?"

Here Caius interrupted (snarling of course), "Just go and do your duties then go and cook something."

"Yes sir" Even Harriet wasn't stupid enough (normally) to disobey a vampire who looked rather like a rabid dog at that moment.

"First brothers" Came Marcus' airy voice, "I believe we were going to introduce the human to some people?"

"Oh yes, Miss Potter, this is Sulpica, my mate and wife and this is Athenodora, Caius' wife." So saying, Aro gestured to two women, hidden beneath cloaks standing behind the thrones.

Harriet was slightly confused, "If I may ask, what is a mate?"

Aro answered, "A mate is a perfect companion and other half. Not many are blessed with a mate, most take companions instead. Some vampires recognise each other immediately, others take time to work out their connection. Once bonded, if one should die, the other mate would die too. I am sure one of the guard can explain more later" He said as he waved Harriet away.

"Right, thank you sir."

* * *

Two hours later, Harriet had finished all her normal duties and was just about to go start cooking when the phone rang once more

"Volturi's Vampire Bakery, For food so good you will want to replace your blood with it. How can I help?"

"...Yes...This is Carlisle Cullen again?"

"Yes sir, how can I help?"

"Can I please change my dates?"

"Certainly, what would your new dates be?"

"Next Thursday onwards for ten days?"

"Right sir, do you need a car at Florence airport to meet you?"

"No, we shall hire a car and hopefully be in Volterra at three in the afternoon."

"That is in the diary, thank you for informing us. Goodbye"

"...Goodbye"

Right, Harriet thought, baking time. Looking thought the cupboards Harriet thought about what she would make...She couldn't make sponge cakes really as too much of the cake would need to be made with the synthetic blood...Tarts were good as were more pudding foods. After half an hour or so of thinking and planning, Harriet eventually started making a tray or two of lasagne, a lemon tart, a Devonshire Apple Cake with Custard and several whole batches of different biscuits as well as some blood flavoured tablet. Hopefully that would be enough, she had used quite a lot of the synthetic blood, Harriet hadn't lied when she said it was sugar substitutes, basically that was all it was. Seriously though, she came here to be a Secretary, not a cook. Suddenly distracted, Harriet started to think about whether using Dragon Blood would work to the same level...You could buy Dragon flavoured Bloodpops, this was another avenue to explore obviously. Maybe she could make some money as a vampire baker, the Ministry wouldn't be happy but hey, you had to live somehow. She could totally do it like she was some kind of dealer, though, instead of like pot, it would be cinnamon and blood cookies!

Harriet was just about to take out another tray of biscuits by a noise behind her, looking around she saw around eight members of the Guard, watching her.

"Hello everyone, how are you?"

"Fine" Felix answered

"I don't mean to insult you all but why are you here, don't you have better things to do. You are supposed to be the vampire rulers yet I haven't seen you do much?"

Demetri snorted, "How many vampires do you think are in this world?"

"I don't know, like a thousand?"

"Somewhere between one and two thousand actually, so there isn't much to do. We are pretty good deterrents against covens committing crimes anyway so we don't have to work the entire time." Chelsea said

"What do you do for fun then? PlayStation? Games? Hobbies?"

"What is a 'Play Station'?" Felix asked

"RIGHT, that is it, I am bringing my Playstation and Xbox tomorrow, you do have internet, a computer, a television don't you?"

"I think so?" Alec said, "I don't know how it works but still?"

"You need an education in modern life...Shall we start now?"

"What do you have in mind?" Felix asked

* * *

"And for one biscuit, what does 'rotfl' mean?"

There was a few minutes of 'humming' and 'hawwing' from the vampires as they considered the question before Alec spoke "Oh, oh, oh... 'rotfl' stands for 'rolling on the floor laughing'"

"Corrrrrect. And one biscuit to Alec... We now move onto out thirtieth question... what does 'IDK' mean?"

Felix was quicker off the mark this time. "I don't know?"

"Well I think you do know Felix, one biscuit and one point to Felix!"

Harriet had been playing this game for a while now and had concluded that vampires would be awfully easy to train. All you needed were a few biscuit flavoured with synthetic blood. Perhaps they would make good guard dogs, they could be... 'pit-pires' instead of pit-bulls'. Harriet concluded that her brain was on a roll at the moment, another fabulous idea from the Woman-Who-Won. It was a shame that none of the female vampires had stuck around to watch the game... Maybe they were scared about getting fat from Harriet's awesome cooking...wait...could vampires get fat? Harriet's brain was starting to hurt slightly so she decided to put it on the 'List-of-questions-I-cannot-be-bothered-to-work-out-so-am-going-to-ask-Hermione". She would know.

"So at the moment, we have Felix with nine points, Demetri with eight and Alec and Afton on six points. But this could all change as we have our final question coming up that is worth...not one...not two but five points. In addition the winner will receive the mixing bowl used to mix the cookie dough. Understand?" Receiving a round of appreciative nods, Harriet continued, "What does...'TTFN' stand for?"

There was a few moments of silence as the vampires racked through their memories, trying to find an answer. Demetri was the first to answer though, "Is it, 'ta ta for now'?"

"Annnd, the winner is Demetri with fourteen points. Congratulations on winning the inaugural game of 'Slangs and Acronyms', here is your mixing bowl, enjoy. Join us next time when we play again."

* * *

"Why are you looking at us all like that human?"

Harriet shook herself from her reverie to look at Caius who had asked the question whilst eating his portion of Devonshire Apple Cake with a side of Blood Custard.

"Oh, it is just not often that I see all the vampires in the same place at the same time." That response cause many of the vampires to return to their food until Harriet's next statement caused them to choke slightly, "I was just trying to decide who was the best looking..."

After the vampires had recovered, they all turned and looked at the human with eyebrows raised. "What?" Harriet asked.

"Oh nothing" Demetri responded, he paused for a few seconds before continuing, "Just out of interest, who did you decide?"

Seeing herself once more the focus of the vampires, Harriet looked around for a minute, slightly confused by their sudden interest.

"I didn't really decide completely, after all there is a difference between being good looking and having a personality to accompany it. Indeed, it it was just on looks then it would either be Marcus or Caius. However, personality wise, I would choose Felix or Demetri I suppose."

There was silence for a few minutes as Felix and Demetri preened slightly whilst everyone else looked at Harriet like she was stupid.

"Do you always say what you are thinking?" Chelsea asked

"...Normally, it is funner that way."

"Are all modern woman like you?" Afton asked scratching his head.

Harriet thought, did most normal women defeat Dark Lords when they were seventeen, fight dragons when they were fourteen and trolls when they were eleven? "No, not really I suppose. I mean they are normally about as outspoken, that is just normal...it isn't a patriarchal society really. When was the most youngest of you changed?"

Heidi answered as she sucked on a square of blood flavoured tablet, "Alec and Jane, they were changed nine centuries ago"

"Times have changed a lot, I mean I know you don't have much contact with the outside world but really it is all different."

"How so?"

"Many humans live well into their eighties; human population is around 7 billion; in some countries, women are at the same level as men in terms of status and knowledge; medicine and learning is much more advanced. Really is has all changed in most places."

The vampires thought about that, Aro spoke, "7 billion is a lot". There were noises of agreement from around the table in the throne room which had been covered with food but was now covered with various empty plates and bowls.

"Oh and chocolate exists" Harriet added

"I have heard about chocolate" Alec asked, "What is it?"

"I am going to have to make chocolate, chocolate is second only to treacle tart in terms of the scale of the necessity of foods. I wonder how easy it would be to make?" Harriet asked herself. "On a side note, the Cullens have changed the dates they are coming, they are now coming next Thuesday for ten days. Just so you know."

There were groans around the table and Alec went so far as to bang his head against the table, getting his pretty hair in the custard, and Harriet felt compelled to ask, "What is wrong with them?"

"Carlisle Cullen is a pain, he believes himself to be on a greater plane of existence than the rest of us, he sees himself as a 'humane' vampire." Demetri said.

"You are vampires, why would you want to be humane?"

"He is a doctor"

Thinking about it, Harriet couldn't see a problem, after all, she couldn't exactly discriminate between Remus being a teacher whilst a werewolf and Carlisle Cullen being a doctor whilst a vampire. Harriet shrugged and started to stack up plates whistling the theme tune to 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. Maybe she should introduce the Volturi to some of the wonderful depictions of vampires in modern life, she could start with 'Interview with the Vampire' then 'Buffy the Vampire Series' and she was sure that Caius would love that new 'True Blood' series. That would provide some amusement for a while...

* * *

 _Dear Kingsley, Withers and whoever else._

 _Day Three in this hellhole where I am not allowed alcohol. It is Christmas in like a month and a half, please will I be allowed a rest-bite from that rule? I promise I will only have a bottle!_

 _Life here continues. I am not sure whether I want to tell you what has been going on as I am sure you will shout at me and that would be mean. Anyway, nothing has gone bad per say, I have still not been discovered and I am making friends with some of the vampires, we even had a quiz this afternoon to test their knowledge of slang. Two of the kings, Marcus and Aro like me, Caius hates me...like legitimately, his glares are on a par with Snape's now. Not sure why that is, as I am pretty sure he didn't know my father. Could it be something I did?_

 _Hermione, I know you are there... Can vampires get fat? I know it seems like a silly question but if they drank too much blood, could they potentially get fat?_

 _Lots of love,_

 _Harriet_

 _P.S. I totally need Victor Krum for a legitimate reason..._

 _P.P.S. My plan for collecting venom is awesome but I feel that you may see it as me putting myself in danger later...so I am not going to tell you it! Please though send more synthetic blood or tell me how to make it._

 _P.P.S. I have some information about mates that I shall write up tomorrow_

 _P.P.P.S. If you make me attend the ICW I shall make it my personal mission to offend/insult/upset every dignitary there :)_

Hermione and Ron groaned and snorted respectively once Kingsley had finished reading the letter. Seeing the questioning look from Snape, Kingsley, Lupin and Withers they decided to elaborate their response.

"When Harriet says 'I will only have one bottle' that means that she will only drink from one bottle which she will keep refilling" Ron started

"And when she says 'putting myself in danger later', that means she has already done it or at least started her plan but doesn't want to admit it." Hermione finished.

Kingsley decided to summarise, "So basically, Harriet has most likely done or is doing something stupid?"

Receiving twin nods the Minister sighed, "And the Krum thing?"

Whilst Ron looked confused, Hermione snorted, "You don't want to know I am sure"

"Hermione?" Lupin asked, "Can vampires get fat? And why would my dearest adoptive goddaughter, who I am sure lacks a few brain cells, want to know?"

"Magical vampires can change slightly, I don't know about Muggle vampires, I would need a sample of their body to test it. As to why Harriet wants to know...do any of you even want to know how her brain works? Cause I don't, I fear I would join her in her own odd brand of crazy."

"You are probably right" Remus sighed, nervous for his cub amongst the vampires, particularly with the upcoming full moon, Mooney was becoming agitated.

"Well, now that we have ascertained that Potter is unfortunately alive must we be here?" Snape asked, "Write the idiot a letter telling her to stop doing whatever she is doing that is likely to put her in danger. I have better things to worry about that whether the moron is about to be eaten or not."

"I note the use of the word 'worry' in that sentence Professor Snape, are you worried about Harriet...or are you jealous that someone can match your glare?" Ron's comment resulted in chuckles around the room as the dark haired man strode out of the room, his robes billowing. He was most certainly not jealous. At all. Ever. As of course he knew, he had the best glare.

* * *

 **Next chapter, Harriet introduces modern gaming, the Cullens get to meet our favourite witch and certain members of the Volturi get slightly possessive.**

 **Tell me what you think...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Back again with Chapter 7 of Harriet's craziness. Somehow I am having to write the introduction of the Cullens at the same time in both my Twilight/Harry Potter stories.**

 **I have to say thank you to everyone who has commented on this story, it is now well over 100 comments now and I am so grateful for your advice and thoughts.**

* * *

 _Harriet Lily Potter,_

 _Whatever you are doing (or planning to do) that may impact your cover and your safety, STOP... Understand? Don't do anything that will risk you. I don't want to be the one who has to announce that you were killed by vampires, the Prophet would have a field-day and I would have to deal with an irate Molly Weasley..._

 _Now to make this letter easier to absorb into your utterly insane brain, I have put it into short little bullet points:_

 _1) No alcohol is to be drunk, even at Christmas, capiche?_

 _2) Victor Krum is not coming, Hermione assures us he is not necessary for the mission and that we likely wouldn't want to know why you wanted him._

 _3) You will attend the ICW or else I will take you off all active duty for the next decade, then you will play nice to everyone or else I will send you to Serbia for a three years training scheme._

 _4) We have sent the recipe for synthetic blood, but be aware it can be explosive if not made correctly._

 _5) Hermione says she isn't sure vampires can get fat...She wants a sample of their 'flesh' to check. THIS IS NOT TO SAY WALTZ IN AND CUT OFF ONE OF THEIR FINGERS... However, if you had the opportunity it would be useful._

 _6) Thank you for finding out about the mates, when you send through the information we shall compare it with creature mates and magical vampires._

 _7) You have not reported that the vampires have killed anyone yet, does this mean they do not need to feed as much as we thought?_

 _Don't die or else..._

 _Minister Shacklebolt_

Ooo, full name at the start as well as using his title at the end...Kingsley was angry...that wasn't good! It was mean that she wasn't being allowed to drink...however, they said nothing about having alcohol in food, alcoholic jelly here we come. Harriet's thoughts then once again turned to the leeches, could they get drunk? That would be hilarious if they could, maybe not Aro though, he was perpetually drunk it seemed...or high. Felix had said yesterday that the most influential traits in a person were exaggerated during a change, did that mean that Aro was high when he was was turned. Harriet thought for a second and smirked, everyone should be grateful she had no desire to become a vampire, after all she tried very hard to be crazy...how much worse could it be when she was changed?

The last question made her frown... From the amount she had had to cook, the vampires ate a lot, maybe with the synthetic blood they didn't need to feed as often. However, to tell Kingsley she had been making Treacle Tart for the vampires would be to pretty much sign herself for that lovely training session in Serbia. Choices, choices. Perhaps if she ignored the question it would go away? That obviously made sense of course...

Harriet sniffed slightly as she considered whether what she was doing, or being asked to do was inhumane...after all she had to get venom and flesh samples of vampires. Could that be compared to animal testing in the muggle world, perhaps she could go on strike until 'vampire rights' were achieved? Hermione would love that, after all S.P.E.W. was still a big part of her life, despite the elves desire for it not to be... Sighing slightly, Harriet set the letter she held in her hand alight to destroy the evidence of her correspondence before standing to fetch her coat and bag to leave for the Volturi's castle.

* * *

"Gently...gently...no please...stop"

"I have never seen one, Harriet, please excuse me if I don't know what to do"

"I know but just softly..."

"Tell me what to do?"

"Okay, try moving your thumb right a little...okay...and a circular motion?"

"Am I doing alright now?"

Harriet moaned, "You don't just have to go as fast as you can Felix..."

"But you said we had to kill them or they would kill us Harriet?"

Harriet huffed as she pulled the controller from Felix's hands and showed him how to play Call of Duty. The witch had been trying to teach them for three hours and so far there had been one broken television (a controller thrown through its screen), eight broken controllers and Demetri was currently sulking in the corner, waiting for his fingers to reattach themselves after Alec removed them during an argument. Call of Duty seemed to be the favourite game although Assassin's Creed had garnered a positive reaction and had even drawn Chelsea, Heidi and Jane into the room. Whilst the two former vampires had been happy to play after watching for a while, the latter continued her moaning about humans and their stupidity.

"This is fun" Alec said, he was rather happy as he was rather good at the whole thing, but Harriet was sure if he hadn't been good then he would be sulking like Afton was. Vampires were very much like petulant children...

Another hour (and PlayStation later) Harriet had got bored of watching most of the vampires fail at the Nintendo Wii which they had been forced to move onto after the untimely demise of the PlayStation. MarioKart seemed very popular but there had been a few tantrums at the start when it became obvious that vampire speed and reactions weren't registered by the machine so they had to play with human speed. Felix had decided Bowser was a wonderful character and for some bizarre reason Demetri was Princess Peaches at the moment. Oh well, Harriet thought as she walked out to the kitchen to find some food to take to them.

Picking up two plates of sausage rolls and some apple strudel, Harriet knocked first upon the door of the three kings' smaller throne room which they tended to use whenever they weren't holding court or whatever they did. Hearing Aro call out for her to enter, Harriet pushed open the door with her elbow as both hands were currently holding two platters filled rather high with food.

"Your Majesties, I was just coming to see if you wanted some food?"

"Ahh, _cara mia_ , thank you" Aro said softly as he glided towards her as she stood by the door. Leading her further into the room, Harriet could see in the partial gloom, Caius and Marcus stood around a table covered with ancient books. The dark haired king promptly shuffled a few books around to leave a space clear for Harriet to place down the platters.

Harriet was so intent on trying to avoid spilling all the food across the books which looked older than Hogwarts that she failed to see the intent red eyes of the pale haired king watching her every move. Inclining her head to leave the three kings once more, Harriet turned towards the door.

"Thank you Miss Potter" Hearing the thanks as the door closed, Harriet did not think about it for a few seconds until she realised that it was Caius who had thanked her...and called her 'Miss Potter'. Hmm, it seemed that Aunt Petunia was right for once when she said that food was the way to a man's heart. Or else, Caius was like Sev, and was like a rock who if you chipped at it again...and again...and again...eventually you got to a pretty stone in the middle. As she was about to turn to take the food to the members of the guard, Harriet realised that the Kings had taken all the food, that wasn't nice...although it would mean that Harriet would get the opportunity to see whether vampires got fat... Sighing slightly, Harriet turned back to the kitchens to go and pick up more food for the guard who likely by this point had broken the Wii and were either sitting trying to look innocent about it or were fighting.

* * *

"Miss Potter?"

"Yes Afton?"

"The kings would like your presence downstairs in the throne room"

"Thank you Afton" Harriet said as she followed the vampire down through the halls.

"Miss Potter, we rarely see Carlisle Cullen but he was, at one point, a long-term guest of this coven. Whilst we..." (Caius snorted in response to this pronoun) "...are very fond of him, we would prefer if you did not make food in-front of him nor tell him that you have discovered a way to make food edible for vampires."

Harriet was confused at this, "Why?"

"Because we don't trust him"

"Why?"

"Because he believes that we are monsters who only kill"

"Why?" Seeing Caius glare, Harriet backtracked, "Okay, I will stop now...So no making food at all"

Caius answered here rather passionately without even glaring now, "No, make our food as normal...but do not make it in front of him"

"But the kitchen is off the atrium, they could walk in at any point?"

"Even if you make it at your flat and bring it in, that is preferable." Aro stated.

Harriet was really rather confused by this, why was it so important that no one knew of her abilities? Were they jealous or something, or just trying to keep all the delicious food for themselves? That was rather a compliment if it was...somehow Harriet doubted they were keeping her around for her awesome and erudite conversation as it seemed to baffle them most of the time.

* * *

Harriet was sitting in the atrium of the castle busy trying to find a way to make chocolate for her vampires...wait! Harriet reflected on her last internal monologue...'her vampires'... That was a slightly disturbing thought really, maybe being away from her friends in Britain was causing some sort of Stockholm Syndrome? Another question for Hermione obviously...

She was disturbed from her thoughts by the sound of the door opening, two obvious vampires entered the room although for some reason they had gold eyes...that wasn't weird at all of course! Their was a strawberry blonde woman and a blonde man who carried two large suitcases. Really they looked rather monochromatic, especially the man Harriet thought, after all he had blonde hair and yellow eyes...he really should never wear yellow. Despite the fact that both looked in their mid twenties both the vampires were dressed in clothes equivalent to what the forty year old Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy wore, basically the slightly looked like two people who had just got their first job and tried to dress up...and failed.

"Hello, can I help you sir, ma'am?" Harriet asked with saccharine sweetness that could potentially melted even Sev's icy heart.

"How on earth are you are still alive?" The blonde man seemed shocked having heard Harriet's voice, which was weird, she hadn't done anything wrong…except the whole, you know, answering the phone with awesome catch phrases. She needed to think of more though...another thing to go on the list then.

"….Ohh, you must be Mr Cullen then. Pleased to meet you. If you would leave your bags here then I shall take you down to the Throne Room."

The gentleman still seemed shocked whilst the woman seemed wary. Smiling genially, Harriet turned and started to walk towards the throne room and a few seconds later the two leeches decided to follow, together they processed deeper into the bowels of the castle. Arriving in-front of the double doors, Harriet was not surprised to see them opened from the inside to allow the small group entrance. It was sort of like the Force Harriet supposed...maybe she should consider learning wandless magic just so that when she visited Hogwarts she could wave her hand and the Great Hall doors would just...open...Sev would love it.

Entering the room, Harriet saw most of the Volturi, excluding the Wives who seemed to spend nearly all their time up in their tower...maybe they were recreating Rapunzel or something but Harriet knew that if she was ever made to do that she would go crazy...well even crazier! Saluting to the kings, Harriet inclined her hand towards the Cullen's before announcing

"Your Majesties. Presenting Carlisle and Esme Cullen of the Washington Cullen" Oh yeah, she was totally channeling those awful Ministry balls she had been forced to attend. Having said her piece, Harriet turned to stand to the right of the door, waiting for any more orders.

"Carlisle, _mio vecchio amico,_ it is wonderful to see you again."

"Aro, I am honoured by your greeting" said Carlisle slightly nervously, "May I introduce my wife and mate, Esme?"

"Madam, it is an honour to meet the mate of Carlisle, whilst he has talked of you frequently, it is wonderful to finally meet you" Aro said as he reached to shake her hand. Mrs. Cullen obviously knew what was happening and so offered her hand up. After a few seconds, Aro released it and spoke to them both.

"Now, Miss Potter will show you to your rooms and we will see you later I am sure."

* * *

 _Day six of my super secret mission:_

 _Dear all,_

 _I am still alive! Woooo, go me! Anyway, we had visitors today...and guess what...? Guess...? They are vegetarian vampires...! Which means that they eat animals ' instead of humans, apparently this means they are weaker and all but they call themselves 'humane' vampires. I suppose it is rather like Mooney on the Wolfsbane's Potion, you know...he is still a werewolf but a less violent one? Anyway, the coven leader, Carlisle, is a doctor of all things. You can tell vegi vampires as they apparently always have golden eyes instead of red. From what was said here, denying themselves human blood is very different and tends to make them loose control of their bloodlust easier._

 _Apparently there are like seven in their coven, Aro wants a couple of them in the Volturi, apparently he 'collects' vampires... I am not sure whether this is some sort of code for a harem but I shall endeavor to find out._

 _Ta ta for now,_

 _The-Girl-Who-Lived-To-Be-Awesome... (Don't roll your eyes Hermione ;) )_

 _P.S. What I have found out about mates is in a separate letter attatched._

 _P.P.S. If I am not mistaken, Gred and Forge bet I would be dead in under one week under cover...I suppose if I survive tomorrow they loose!_

* * *

 _Dear Harriet,_

 _What you have found out about these 'vegetarian vampires' is very interesting. When you attend the seminar at the ICW then I am sure you will be required to tell of your meeting with them. The information that you found about mates is interesting and is actually very similar to veela mating. Both species can either instantaneously know their mate or it can be a longer process, one of the main differences though is the fact that you only mentioned monogamous matings in vampires, as you know this is not the same in veelas. Could you discretely inquire whether it is possible?_

 _Keep up the good work,_

 _Kingsley_

* * *

Seeing Mr and Mrs Cullen wandering into the Atrium looking slightly lost the next day, Harriet decided to see whether they needed any help. After all, it wasn't as though they could go sight seeing unless they wanted to turn into a mirror ball...

"Is there anything I can get you, Mr and Mrs Cullen?"

The two vampires looked slightly shocked at being addressed by a human. "No thank you." Mr Cullen said, "Please, call us Carlisle and Esme. There is no need to use formalities with us."

Harriet tilted her head to the side innocently, "So the superiority complex isn't a trait of your species?"

The two vampires gaped at her, Harriet had long since concluded that she tended to have that effect on people. It always rather pleased Harriet when she got that reaction, it meant that her own special brand of crazy was suitably effective... After all, as Harriet frequently admitted to herself (and on occasion) she wanted to be remembered as having that special mix of crazy and awesome that Dumbledore had had.

"...No..." Carlisle seemed to be wanting to say something but not quite sure how to say it, "How are you still alive?"

"Well, I would have to say that as my heart is still beating, I have no illnesses, my lungs work, I am still in my early twenties, by brain works (normally) I am still alive...but you are a doctor, you would of course know that." Harriet smirked, well aware of the response her words would garner.

Carlisle pinched his nose and huffed quietly in amusement, "I think I may have worked out how you are alive now..."

Harriet decided to ignore that comment, after all she was more to the Volturi that just the court jester...she was their cook. Just as she was about to invite Carlisle and Esme to sit and chat, Demetri entered the room and glared at the group, well, more specifically at Esme and Carlisle.

"Can I help you Demetri?" Harriet asked

"Harriet, would you please accompany me? We require your assistance upstairs"

"Of course, I will see you later Esme, Carlisle" As Harriet followed the Greek vampire out, Harriet missed the panicked look that Carlisle and Esme shot each other as they thought Harriet was being led to her death.

Harriet was not in fact being led to her death. In fact she was being led to what had been termed the Midge Room or the Media, Information, DVD, Gaming and Entertainment Room. None of the vampires had got the joke yet about a 'midge' being an annoying blood sucking bug. Oh well... Harriet soon found herself seated in a sofa surrounded by almost half of the members of the guard.

"So...what are we going to do?" Harriet asked

"I don't know, can we watch one of those film things?"

Harriet smirked, "Okay, how about we watch a television series called 'Buffy'?"

Receiving nods from around the room, Harriet started up the first episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. And whilst it was not initially well received, by the end of the second episode the vampires of Volterra were seated pointing out flaws in fighting styles, trying to imitate the vampiric faces and rating the kills out of ten. Harriet sat among her vampires, more than a little bemused but rather enjoying it, opening her bag, she brought out a box of lemon and blood tarts which were well received although she did have to send Retana to give some to the Kings'.

* * *

 _Dear Gred and Forge,_

 _Ha, I win..._

 _Yours not sincerely,_

 _Your financial backer..._

* * *

It was rather obvious that by the end of the trip that the Cullens' weren't sure whether they should have been driven to distraction or be rather thankful to Harriet Potter. The only response that was deemed suitable was shock and borderline panic, if any secretary of the Volturi was likely to become a vampire, it was Harriet if she didn't get herself killed for a comment that went too far. This was the cause for panic...how could anyone ever deal with her as a vampire...the Volturi would turn up to massacre a coven and Harriet would start cracking jokes and making sarcastic and snarky comments about everyone. That would be perhaps even more terrifying that the Volturi's normally stoic response to the surrounding world.

Climbing out of the car, Carlisle and Esme grabbed their bags from the boot and made their way up to the door of the great glass house in the middle of the wood. It was opened by Rosalie,

"How was your trip, I am glad to see you aren't dead..."

"Rosalie!" Alice exclaimed from the next room, "I told you that they would come back...I just couldn't see what would happen whilst they were there..."

"GIRLS, enough" Carlisle called, interrupting Rosalie's retort to Alice, "We had an interesting trip and we shall tell you about it later when the boys are home..."

Seeing the girls about to mutiny and argue again, Carlisle decided to change the topic, "Now, is everyone ready for the next school term?"

"Carlisle, when are we not? We have Alice, the miraculous seer and Edward, the creepy mind-reader" Rosalie snarked

As the two young vampires descended into another argument, the coven leader partially wished he was back in Italy... Hopefully though, this school year wouldn't be difficult for his adoptive children, after all they had to deal with hormonal teenagers, vampire hearing and the repetition of having to attend school decade after decade. Forks High School had its difficult characters (Edward in particular seemed to complain about someone called Jessica whilst Rosalie complained about a boy called Mike) and Carlisle prayed for a quiet year...

* * *

 **And there we go... Please review this chapter!**

 **I know there are none of the Cullen children in this chapter but decided that their first meeting should be with Bella. I have already written that chapter and am having to sort of connect the two parts together however I had so many ideas about how Harriet and Bella would interact I could not help but write it first...**

 **Hopefully I will put another chapter for this story up this weekend so please keep an eye out for that.**


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter i** **s basically little excepts from the next few months in Harriet's life with the Volturi.**

 **I was rereading the plans that I had for this story and decided that I rather liked the direction that I had considered with the Harriet/Jasper relationship too, I am considering doing that as another separate story, the first six or so chapters would be the same as in this original story but instead of the Harriet/Caius story we would have Jasper instead. Tell me what you think of a second story with Jasper/Harriet.**

 **Disclaimer** **\- I don't own anything**

* * *

As days turned to weeks, Harriet decided she rather liked working for the Volturi. After all most of her desk work was done within two hours or arriving, then it was simply a case of cooking lunch, spend afternoon either entertaining the guards or on occasion the kings, followed by preparing supper for the vampires and then she was finished. Really it was rather like having a very large family herself, after all she spent most of her time cooking and organising the lives of those around her.

There were a few issues...like the time she tried to feed liquorice to the vampires...that did not turn out so well, for some reason none of the vampires could stand the stuff, which was rather confusing as they seemed to eat everything else but liquorice and vampires was like Draco and hippogryphs, not a good relationship. As much as she could, Harriet tried to provide a balanced diet, if they wanted the cakes and sweets then they had to eat the main courses. Meats were easy to cook as they were marinaded in the synthetic blood and the cooked like normal, vegetables were slightly harder and tended to have to either be cooked in a pie or a sauce for anyone to eat them, carbs were similar, although mashed potato became a favourite (it didn't look very appetising to Harriet though as it, like many other foods, became a pinky/red colour from all the synthetic blood although the vampires liked it). Puddings were their absolute favourite though, without a doubt this was something that Harriet agreed with, sweet things were the best and whilst steak and mushroom pie may be nice, it was no where near on par with pecan tarts.

At present Harriet was preparing for Christmas or Yule. Having spoken to the guards, she had realised that whilst they were aware of the holiday, they had never actually properly celebrated it, even when they were human, after all the youngest of them, Alec and Jane, had been changed just under a millennia ago. So the witch had locked herself in the kitchen to cook up a storm, she had had to bribe the guards with biscuits not to disturb her but she knew that it wouldn't be long before someone knocked on the door to ask for something.

Having done all the dishes using magic, after all the vampires knew better than to enter the kitchen without permission for fear of not being allowed any good, Harriet reopened the door to find a small collection of vampires outside the door, Felix clutching a Tupperware container that had once held some millionaire shortbread. It looked like they were auditioning for _Oliver_ or something, not at all like the terrifying creatures of the night that they were.

Harriet smirked, "Can I help you with anything?"

Chelsea answered with consideration, "We were just wondering what you were cooking..."

"Well, Christmas is in four days so I was starting cooking the food for that and no one is allowed to enter the kitchen without my permission for the next four days...I don't want all the food disappearing again" Harriet scolded...she then considered that she was treating the vampires like Molly treated the twins and Ron...was this a bad thing? They didn't seem to mind but really after the episode three weeks ago when Harriet returned to find the three tiered cake she had made had vanished overnight, she had a right to be annoyed. (The fact that the vampires all claimed it wasn't them whilst hiding their hands which had been stained by the blue royal icing behind their back made them seem even more like children.)

"We don't celebrate Christmas" Felix pointed out

"Well that is a shame, it is an excuse to eat to excess, do nothing and give and receive presents...I am rather fond of the holiday myself and so decided to prepare the food, you can celebrate Christmas or not but the food will still be necessary with the amount you lot eat."

"Why should we celebrate this stupid holiday? It isn't as though we are Christian or anything...human rubbish" Jane sneered, it was weird Harriet thought, the blonde leech seemed perfectly happy to eat her food but Jane obviously struggled with Harriet's presence. She was like Snape at a party or a black hole where every positive emotion slowly drained.

"Really Jane, I would love to see why you hate everything human from your point of view but I am afraid I just can't get my head that far up my arse."

There was a chorus of 'ohhhs' and 'burns' from the surrounding vampire who tended to look forward to the daily conflict that Jane and Harriet had been involved in since basically her first day.

"Silence human, your pathetic human customs are unnecessary and wrong. We are the leaders of the vampire race, you are worms beneath us."

"I mean I know you are blonde but surely you can try a little better than that Jane? After all your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity."

Jane obviously had had enough for today Harriet reasoned as the small vampire shrieked and stormed out of the atrium. Harriet decided for a parting shot, "Some day Jane you will have to face your fears of inadequacy compared to me at some point..."

Harriet sighed with happiness, Jane was her new Draco, her frenemy, or friend she loved to hate. She turned back to the vampires, "So whose up for Christmas this year? After all I got you all something special for it."

"You got us presents?" Alec asked looking at the faces of the other guard members

"Well, not really presents so much as small gifts, they aren't much at all."

"So we need to get you a present?" Heidi asked

"No...this is my 'pathetic human custom', you don't have to get me anything." Harriet said as she walked off with a wave of a hand, having grabbed a plate of apricot tarts for the kings.

* * *

Four days later, Harriet had finished decorating a rather large Christmas tree in the atrium with small baubles and the occasional tasteful zombie and corpse figurines (after all this was the Volturi's lair and cherubs and elves wouldn't suit).Garlands festooned the walls and there was mistletoe hanging innocuously from a single hook in the ceiling. Under the tree was a whole array of boxes she had wrapped, each with the name of a king, queen or guard on them. Harriet considered the queens, she had only seen them twice, apparently after Marcus' mate had been killed by the Romanians, they had basically stayed in their tower without venturing out further than the throne room. Inside each of the boxes was a whole array of foods, treacle tarts, fudge, meat jerky, cupcakes, jellied sweets, blood pops (apparently owl ordering three hundred blood pops from Honeydukes raised some eye brows but it was worth it) there was also a bottle of vodka mixed with synthetic blood that Harriet had been keeping back as a surprise for the vampires. What better time to see whether vampires could get drunk than at Christmas?

Harriet had also thrown everyone out of the atrium and told them not to come back for two hours before she started to lay the long tables she had set up down the atrium. The turkey had been cooking over night having been marinaded in synthetic blood for around three days, Harriet had used more synthetic blood in the past week than she had used in the past two months, she was lucky that she hadn't had to ask Kingsley to send for more as otherwise she would no doubt have to explain what she was using it all for. That wouldn't be a pretty conversation. As she placed dishes of vegetables, potatoes, gravies and stuffings down the table, Harriet was quite pleased with how it all looked, she had gone so far as making origami swans made from napkins down the table and there were crackers too (just to irritate Jane even more).

As soon as she finished, Harriet walked to the door into the corridor and was not surprised to see the three kings standing nonchalantly at the front of a crowd of vampires including the guards and queens.

"Would you all like to come in?" Harriet asked as she stepped to the side to reveal the tables, tree and garlanded room.

Soon everyone was seated and Harriet passed the turkey over to Marcus to be carved before she started taking lids of dishes down the table.

"Why are you not sitting Harriet?" Felix asked causing everyone to look up from their plates to see Harriet reappearing with more food to place on the table, they then noticed that there was no chair setting for her.

Harriet shrugged slightly, "I made it for you, I can eat later"

"Oh, come on Harriet" Chelsea said, "Find a chair and sit down, I know you have food in that kitchen that you can eat, so get it and eat."

"I am not sure that would be permissible." Harriet said

"Sit, Miss Potter" Caius asked/ordered

Harriet sighed and disappeared once more into the kitchen to find the plate of food she had left warming in the oven for her lunch once the vampires had eaten. Reentering the atrium, Harriet saw a seat had been brought from somewhere for her to use, how wonderful Harriet thought, it was beside Caius...yayyy! The meal proceeded with many hums of happiness, the turkey was apparently amazing. By the time pudding was finished there were twenty or so vampires slouched back in their seats, Heidi had rolled up her top and prodding the bulge made by the food tentatively. Actually all the vampires seemed rather lethargic due to the amount they had eaten, this wasn't the case with Harriet though. Harriet had just had an entire treacle tart to herself and was more than a little hyper.

"Present time!" Harriet said, clapping her hands together slightly. She loved giving presents, it seemed that this was inherited from her godfather, who else gives a professional racing broom to someone they hadn't seen in twelve years? And whilst these weren't exactly expensive presents, Harriet quite looked forward to the reaction certain pieces would garner. So saying, the raven haired woman skipped over to the tree and starting picking up boxes and distributing them among her vampires.

"What is this?" Alec asked as he opened a bottle pulled from the box of treats and snacks, and sniffed it, it was a rather pink colour, not exactly masculine looking.

"Blood vodka, I thought that if you could eat food with synthetic blood, then maybe you could drink the alcohol. I haven't tried it obviously so please tell me what you think"

Harriet was just about to say not to drink too much at once when she saw Felix pour an entire glass and neck it, she then closed her mouth before opening it again, just as she was about to say something, Felix started coughing. "That was amazing Harriet, but it burns on the way down though."

"Seriously, 'it burns'? You are supposed to sip it, you can shot it but small amounts. Alcohols are much stronger now than they used to be. It tastes alright though?"

By now some of the others had tried some and were quick to add their opinions, "Really good" Chelsea said, "Quite sweet but much better than what I expected it to taste like, after all, drinking from an alcoholic is not a nice experience."

Half an hour later when everyone was sitting around exchanging stories and continuing to sample the things from their boxes, Harriet noticed something a little odd about Felix, he was trying to eat a blood pop and seemed to be repeatedly missing his mouth.

"Felix?" Harriet called, "Are you alright?"

"Blood pop-pop thing won't go in my mouth...keeps moving..."

"Felix, where is your vodka bottle?" Harriet asked, recognising the signals.

"Finished it...it was yummy...in my mouth, you damn pop-pop thing" Felix asked as he stuck the blood pop into his hair, it didn't come out and stuck there in his hair.

Harriet looked to the ceiling trying desperately not to laugh, she had just got one of the vampire guards drunk. Oops. Standing up, Harriet made her way over to the large blonde vampire, she noticed that all the others had noticed and many of the other vampires looked rather confused by the whole thing, unsure whether this was actually happening.

"Felix, come stand here." Harriet asked, when he did so, she pointed to the line of the floor tiles, "I want you to walk in a straight line along the edge of these tiles. Okay?"

"Humph" Felix exclaimed, "Easy!" He then took one pace, then another, he manged four paces along the line of the floor tiles before he veered off into a wall. The resulting collision resulted in a Felix size dent in the wall and the vampire in question lying on the floor like a felled tree.

Harriet ran over quickly and tapped the huge figure on the cheek, she was quickly joined by Heidi.

"Is...is he asleep?"

Heidi started prodding the huge bulk of Felix before slapping him slightly on the face, "Apparently so, or at least unconscious."

Alec added, "So if we want to sleep, we have to get pissed?"

"Apparently so" Marcus said as he rubbed his temples slightly in exasperation.

Harriet had to ask, "So are we going to just leave him there or are we going to put him to bed...?"

"Do you think we have beds?" Jane snarled

"Beds are useful for things other than sleeping...not that you would know you frigid bitch." Harriet retorted

"Another burn from Harriet, what is the score now?" Demetri asked.

"Jane nil, Harriet six hundred and forty one..." Alec said, looking way too pleased with himself.

Obviously Jane felt so too, "You are my brother Alec, why would you side with this harridan?"

"Because you just used the word 'harridan', the words 'whore' and 'slut' are much more common now. Now please sit down and give you single brain cell a rest, the poor thing has had too much to do today." Harriet continued through Jane's spluttering, "Now, would anyone mind helping me move all the plates next door to the kitchen?"

* * *

The next morning, Harriet was rather surprised to see a note on her desk asking her to go to the throne room as soon as she arrived. Walking down she knocked on the door and was immediately granted entrance. Looking around she immediately saw Felix, who looked rather worse for wear.

Saluting the kings, the witch asked, "Your majesties, how can I help you?"

"We were reviewing traditions after your Christmas party yesterday and found the idea of Boxing Day. Apparently it was a time for masters to celebrate their workers and give them presents. We have decided to embrace this tradition as thanks for your work yesterday and over the past three months."

Harriet was a little speechless, "Erm...thank you? It is totally unnecessary though, I like cooking so it was no hardship."

"None the less, we wish to give you a gift, Miss Potter." Marcus answered.

"...Right"

Aro drifted forward holding a red box which he gave to Harriet. Looking down at it Harriet clearly picked out the Aspinals of London name and looking up at the kings, she pushed open the catch of what she had now identified as a jewellery box. Harriet gasped slightly at the contents, even compared to the jewellery contents of the Black and Potter Gringotts vaults, the contents of the box was amazing. In one of the sections was an entire collection of jewellery by Patrick Mavros, a muggle designer who Harriet tended to wear with her work outfits. Next to this was an upper arm bangle shaped like an ouroboros and looked really rather old. (Harriet would later find out it was from the Viking era but...who knew. Rich vampire bastards). Lifting the tray to reveal another layer of jewellery Harriet was shocked to see an enormous diamond hanging from a chain. Harriet quickly shut the box.

"Okay, this is totally unnecessary, I will take the box but the contents are too much, please, all I did was give you some food"

Marcus snorted, "Until you came I had not eaten for over two thousand years...Being able to eat turkey, treacle tart is worth all that, they weren't even discovered when I was alive. So say thank you prettily and we can move on." Harriet was slightly shocked, was she just sassed by Marcus of all people?

"...Right. Thank you very much for spending an unnecessary amount of money on me. I am very grateful?"

Aro looked happy once more, "You are very welcome."

"Now run along and play Harriet." Turning away Harriet noted that it was Caius who had called her Harriet, normally it was only the guard who called her by her first name. That wasn't weird at all or anything. However there were more important things to work out, like whether vampires suffered hangovers.

"Felix, how are you feeling today?"

"I am certainly glad that I didn't retain my human memories of being hungover...I woke up this morning to find myself in the atrium with a lollipop in my hair, how do you think I am feeling?"

"How I do most weekends! We should get drunk together sometime" Harriet answered

The vampires surrounding her looked rather bemused at her, what ever for she wouldn't know...

* * *

 _Dear Kingsley and co._

 _Here we are, day 51 of my employment with the Volturi and I for some reason am rather enjoying it now...could it be Stockholm Syndrome? Anyway life continues as normal, I work, I play, I sleep, I eat, I work... the only good thing is that Caius is starting to warm up to me (not that that is literally possible of course)._

 _They were explaining to me today something called the Southern Vampire Wars. Apparently in America there have been vampire wars off and on for the past two centuries as they try to claim hunting grounds. I have told you before about newborn vampires, apparently these warlords created armies of them to fight...Really doesn't sound very nice._

 _Lots of love,_

 _Harriet_

 _P.S. Inside the box is a finger from a muggle vampire. They killed someone for making an immortal child and I managed to save/liberate this piece from the fire. Hope it helps!_

 _P.P.S. It still moves...a little creepy but who cares... Actually, could it be like the Medusa, you know can grow back from a single drop of blood, I really hope you don't open the box and the finger is starting to grow into a full vampire...Sorry if that does happen, maybe I should have just tried stunning it or putting it into ice or something..._

 _P.P.P.S. Only realised now, I have survived longer than all of you (except Hermione) bet I could...I win, mwahaha. Point of interest though, if I now survive longer than Hermione's bet, then does the money go to me? I would totally be alright with that, it may pay for my celebration at the pub when I get home, you are of course invited._

* * *

The only phrase running through Harriet's mind at the moment was oops...She may have taken the joke a little too far.

"HARRIET", the yell rang throughout the castle.

"SHE IS DOWN HERE" Harriet had to wonder why they were yelling, they could literally hear each other breathe, let alone speak and they could all likely hear Harriet's heart. The witch was standing in her new pantry where she kept all the ingredients needed for cooking, her little kitchenette had become too packed with food so now it was all stored a corridor down and there was a trolley of sorts to move it around. The door was pulled of its hinges by an irritated Caius.

"Did you think that was funny, little one?" he asked.

Harriet thought for a second, this could be a trick question..."Yes, extremely."

The blonde king seemed a little taken aback by her honesty, "Why did you do it?"

"Because it was funny, I was told, at short notice, to book a jet from Japan to here. I did so...the fact that it was a Hello Kitty plane was because it was the only one available that was suitable."

Caius huffed, "...a Hello Kitty jet...why do those even exist?"

"I don't know sir. On a side note, I finally worked out how to make blood chocolate, would you like to try some?"

That seemed to distract the king who seemed intent on invading Harriet's personal space, seriously there was no need to stand chest to chest with someone when you talked to them...although Harriet did suppose it was more like face to chest as she was a complete head shorter than the blonde king. (Completely the Dursley's fault. for keeping her in a cupboad for limited food..even Hermione was three inches taller than her and Jane too, that was just unfair that a vampire who was turned at the age of fourteen was taller than her...she should wear heels more.

Half an hour later, Harriet found herself ensconced in the Midge room attempting (key word) to teach Caius to play Fifa and eating some chocolate truffles that had been filled with blood cream (well Caius was eating the ones with the blood cream, Harriet had just brought a block of Honeydukes chocolate). By now the room had been filled with more games than Harriet thought was necessary and actually possible really. And whilst the Playstation and Wii were favourites, there was now Pacman, a single computer dedicated to Sims (for some reason the vampires loved the idea of controlling an entire city of little virtual humans, there was a league going as to the best city and the best death of a virtual character...) as well as a plethora of other games and consoles. Harriet's introduction of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ had eventually led to the vampires watching _The Vampire Diaries_ (response- quite funny at times but really, a vampire falling in love with such an irritating human...impossible) and _True -Blood_ (response- interesting take on the genre, retractable fangs cool).

* * *

Harriet was sitting in the library looking at an ancient Egyptian scroll that made a minor reference to Dedi, a wizard of some renown who used his powers as an entertainer for the Pharaohs. She was disrupted from her thoughts by the sound of the door opening behind some of the book stacks, she did not bother to look up, aware that the vamps came in and out of this room a lot. Just as she was standing up with a huff to return the scroll she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Turning quickly she saw Caius leaning on the desk she had just been working on.

"Miss Potter" he drawled, making the words so seductive, Harriet was tempted to ask him to take her there now.

So shocked was Harriet at the effect that two words and one person could have on her she could not think of a single one of her (amazing) retorts nor a single action other than a step back. For fuck's sake she thought, she was the damn Woman-Who-Won(-To-Be-Awesome) she should be so affected by a bloody leech...he may look good, okay she was lying to herself, he was perfection incarnate. Perfection incarnate who had matched her step back with step forward...this repeated until Harriet found herself with her back against a bookshelf panting slightly and one hand reaching to the portkey around her neck just in case.

"Can I help you you majesty?" She did not squeak, she said it of course in a perfectly level tone.

The damn, bloody, fucking infuriating smirk appeared once more on the Adonis in front of her, if Harriet wasn't so sure that she would break her hand, she would have slapped it off. The glare that he received had obviously not affected the king at all as he lent closer, smirking more as the woman closed her eyes, he placed his mouth centimeters from her left ear.

"There are many ways that you can 'help' me little one, but I am not sure you are ready for those quiet yet... You try so hard to act unaffected by me but your pulse and breath betrays you, my sweet."

Harriet only felt the light touch of his lips against her neck before...nothing... Twenty seconds later she opened one eye and saw only the library...that wasn't creepy, it wasn't fair that vampires could move so fast. Maybe she should tell Kingsley about this...it sort of sounded like a bad porno when you thought about it, the rich boss seduces the secretary. But those didn't tend to involve vampire kings and witches.

* * *

 _Dear Kingsley and co..._

 _I am not really sure how to say this but I am not quite sure who to ask...You see, Caius seems rather interested in me, and not just because I am the only human in the building, he has taken to approaching me whenever I am alone. Not really sure what I should do...any ideas?_

 _Love Harriet_

* * *

 _Dear Harriet,_

 _Please, please make sure you have your portkey and wand on you at all times. Place light wards on your house to alert you should anyone enter. Avoid being alone with him at all times._

 _Good luck and write as much as you can,_

 _Kingsley_

10/10 advice that was...not! She had already taken those steps, maybe she should write to Hermione and Ginny, they would know what to do when your vampire boss is trying to seduce you (although there wouldn't be much effort involved, he could literally say her name and she would be begging).

* * *

Harriet was sitting in the kitchen writing out shopping lists when she heard his voice once more.

"You have been avoiding me little one. Did you think that would make me leave you alone? Did you think that then you would want me less?" Caius asked sibilantly

Harriet turned quickly, standing from the table, "I just thought I may lose my job if I slept with one of my bosses, it isn't like we could keep it secret or anything."

Caius hummed slightly as he twisted a lock of her long black hair around his finger, "I wasn't suggesting we keep it a secret..."

"You are married...I don't sleep with married men"

Caius hummed again, "Married not mated, we both find distractions elsewhere, few vampires are truly monogamous unless they are mated, immortality is dull with one companion unless they are ones mate. Marriage is a human thing, I am not human anyway so why should the rules apply, Dora is merely a companion and we are both aware of each other's...dalliances."

"Please say you don't do this to every secretary...after all you did just practically say you would bang me and then show me the door or kill me? I seriously hope this doesn't work with woman you speak to...I would worry for their standards otherwise"

"No mere human secretary has been worth the offer until you came along, my sweet."

"I don't know whether to be honoured you value my cooking or ashamed that you value my cooking...Now stop that!" Harriet said as she pulled the curl out of Caius nimble fingers...She then had to stop thinking about what those 'nimble fingers' could do. Infuriating son of a whore...no one had ever managed to distract her as the bloody king was doing at the moment...she should really write to Ginny and Hermione! Hariet was saved though by the bell literally as the phone suddenly sounded from the atrium, sighing with relief she rushed through to the desk to answer it.

* * *

 _Dear Ginny and Hermione,_

 _SHOW THIS TO KINGSLEY AND I SHOW THE PICTURES OF VEGAS...TO THE PROPHET. I AM SURE THEY WOULD LOVE THE ONE OF HERMIONE AND THE LAPDANCER OR GINNY ON THE POKER TABLE._

 _I am, theoretically of course, in a small, innsie bit of a pickle. One of the kings, Caius has perhaps decided to flirt with me and potentially try to seduce me. I am maybe, in need of a little girl to girl advice. (Seriously what is wrong with me that I just wrote that...I need help. I have never needed 'girl-to-girl' anything ever, much less about boys)_

 _Help,_

 _Harriet._

 _P.S. I noticed I only singled out Kingsley, I upgrade that threat to anyone else..._

* * *

 _Dear Harriet,_

 _TELL KINGSLEY. Avoid being with him at all costs and don't say anything stupid._

 _Love,_

 _H+Gx_

Well that was supremely unhelpful advice Harriet mused. They could at least have told her to sleep with him if he was fit or something. She was expecting an ice cream and vodka session, not a shouty order to tell her boss.

* * *

The situation with Caius came to ahead just over the five month mark with the Volturi. It had started a normal day, wake up, go to work, make croissants and blood jams for the vamps breakfast, sort mail and book flights and cars, make elevenses, check the Midge room to see no one had broken anything, make lunch, you get the idea? However, at four o'clock in the afternoon, Harriet entered the throne room with a tea tray containing tea and biscuits for the kings, just as she was placing it on the table at the edge of the room. A large crash sounded as Felix and Demetri entered the room dragging a vampire between them.

"What is the meaning of this?" Aro asked as he took his seat in the middle throne.

Demetri answered, grunting slightly as the vampire punched him in the gut, "Found him spying on the castle."

Aro sighed, "Bring him here..."

The red haired vampire was dragged forward to kneel before the the king who grasped one of his hands with his own and closing his eyes, began sifting through memories and thoughts. There was silence for a minute and Harriet was slightly unaware whether she should have left, not that she really could have done, guards had sprung up like rats from a sinking ship to protect their king.

Aro soon opened his eyes and uttered a single word, "Romanians."

There was a moment of silence before growls started and the chair arm of Marcus' throne shattered in his grip. Caius' glare at the red haired vampire was amazing Harriet thought, she would hate to be on the receiving end of it.

The witch was distracted from her thoughts by the Romanian vampire, "Yes o kings. Romanians. You have grown complacent as you grow fat on the gains of your rule" (That was a bit unfair Harriet thought, they were growing fat on her cooking, nothing else, however as the leech was continuing to speak she decided she had better listen) "Your rule will end soon and when it does, we shall prevail. And when we do we shall destroy every one of you and your castle. Maybe we will burn all of you apart from your heads which we shall throw in the sea so that you may suffer an eternity" (He sounded rather like Voldemort Harriet mused, they both seemed to rather like pontificating and revealing all their plans allowing the heroes to prevail. You would think that would be lesson 1 in the How to be a Good Antagonist book.)

Suddenly with a kidney shot to Felix and a groin shot to Demetri, the leech was free and rushed at Harriet, seeming intent on harming someone before he was killed. However, his attempt to harm the witch was foiled rather impressively by Caius whose eyes suddenly turned blacker than coal as he growled out "MINE". That was the only thing that Harriet really heard before she was suddenly spun around by the blonde king to pull her out of the way of the charging vampire, he then threw himself into the fight. Harriet was sure it would have been all very impressive if she had been able to see it but really fighting at vampire speed may be very interesting if you were a vampire but to a human it was rather dull as all one could see was occasional flashes of colour. It did stop though after around thirty seconds to reveal an unharmed Caius and a red head vampire who, whilst still alive, looked like he had been through a meat grinder, only his head was discernible and whole, the rest of his limbs and torso were pretty much shredded. Caius immediately though turned to his newly found mate as his possessive demon reared his head, intent on staking his claim over the little human.

"MINE"

"Yes Caius you have said that a few times now..."

"MINE"

"This conversation doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere..."

"MINE"

"Can you say any other words?"

"MINE"

"I take that as a no then... not quite sure how we proceed from here..."

"MINE"

"Well what do you want me to say...?"

"MINE"

"Fine...yours?"

"Mine"

"Well at least you have stopped shouting now, hmmm. Yes, I am yours...Is that you want?"

At this point Caius decided to start scenting Harriet, rubbing his lips against the pulse points on her neck as he slowly calmed and his eyes returned to their customary red slowly.

"You alright now...no more Mr Angry?" Harriet asked.

"Mine"

Harriet sighed "Apparently not...we have discussed, well I have discussed, you have shouted, that I am yours. I am not sure whether any more clarification is needed now. However, I am not going to sleep with you just yet and nor are you going to turn me quite yet as I would prefer to discuss some things with you before I am turned immortal by an enraged and overprotective mate who seems capable of one word...and it isn't even a decent word, seriously, it is four words and one syllable, you could have gone with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious or discombobulate."

Marcus who had been standing on the other side of room decided to speak gently, "If you continue trying to find fault with him, he is unlikely to calm down for some time." Caius at this point seemed to realise there were others in the room and so growled protectively, pulling Harriet into the more defensive corner and crouching down in front of her.

"Right, time out" Harriet said as she stepped out from behind Caius who didn't seem to quite know what to do now his mate had moved from the corner, it sort of looked like he was pouting the witch thought. "Caius, I am your mate, however I would prefer a mate who could commune with me. One of your brothers is already mated and the other can tell our bonds, they aren't going to threat you. Now, for Merlin's sake can I actually here your voice properly because apart from anything else, it is amazingly sexy."

Harriet was almost embarrassed by that admitting that but Caius calmed down even more as he started preening. The rest of the Volturi were watching from the other side of the room at the newly mated pair. Aro and Marcus were smirking as were many others, Demetri going so far as passing some money over to Alec. Indeed the only person who looked distinctly upset (apart from the shredded parts of the Romanian) was Jane, obviously she didn't relish the idea of getting orders from Harriet. Noticing this, Harriet smirked and thought of the eternity she now had to annoy the blonde girl...wait...'eternity'. Well that would be interesting, at least she now knew that she could have treacle tart for an eternity. But now practicalities had reared their ugly head and Harriet considered how on earth she was going to persuade Caius to let her remain human for another week or so so that she could figure out how to become a vampire without being poisoned by the venom and lack of magic. The research Hermione and the ICW did showed that there was only about a 50% chance that someone of magical heritage would survive the change and they would likely loose their magic in the process. Previous more general studies had shown that only 5% of witches and wizards survived losing their magic, many ended up committing suicide when they couldn't use it.

"Right...well...logically I need to be close to Caius to stop him turning into Hulk and I would prefer to stay human for a few more days so that I can sort my affairs and the such. I take it I am moving in then...?"

"Yes" Caius growled out, "You will stay within my chambers."

"Hmmm...no. I will have my own bedroom I am afraid, I am sure there is a spare room in your chambers where I can stay..."

Caius seemed annoyed at this, "Yes"

"Fine, well that seems all arranged. Now if you excuse me I have some cakes to take out of the oven" So saying Harriet pranced out of the room, all the vampires staring at her like she was an idiot. Perhaps she was...she had just walked out leaving her new mate alone whilst she wandered out. If she had looked back she would have seen Caius looking rather lost for a moment before quickly following his new human mate. But at the moment she was struggling to think how she was going to explain this all to the Ministry. She was unlikely to be left alone for long now and she could not risk letting the Volturi finding out about magic by discovering her paired letter box or any of her potion making equipment.

* * *

 _Dear all,_

 _Something has very theoretically happened that I theoretically really really, really, really, need some help with... Please can we meet up ASAP. I might not be so able to write as often as I am now living in the castle so can't risk writing as obviously, please do not send messages to the paired box, instead send it by post to the castle with a time to meet up at a cafe in Volterra. Not really sure what else I can say to reassure anyone. I have my portkey but I am not sure whether that will help very much at the moment._

 _I do not need an extraction yet but advice._

 _Harriet_

There was silence throughout the office as the letter was read out.

"FUCK" Kingsley yelled standing up from his desk and crushing the letter in his fist, "WHAT HAS HAPPENED?"

Abiatti who had been there listening too to represent the Italian Ministry walked over to the fireplace and throwing some Floo powder in, knelt down to speak to someone in the Italian Ministry. Ron and Hermione were sitting there in silence, if Harriet had survived only two more weeks then she would have been able to fake her own death and come back home. Obviously there was something very wrong, nearly all of Harriet's life were rambling and full of jokes but this, this was neither and Harriet was obviously rather stressed and confused.

Ron gasped, "What if they found out about magic?"

There was silence as everyone stared at the redhead, suddenly the room was once more alive with activity, Abiatti once more placing his head in the fire and yelling in rapid Italian to some poor soul at the other end.

Kingsley strode over to the door and yelled to his secretary, "Get me the Head of the Aurors, Snape and Lupin as quickly as possible."

Within half an hour letters were written and sent to Harriet in Volterra and a small group of Italian Aurors were now staying in a hotel opposite the Piazza San Marco in the city to watch for any signs of the Woman-Who-Lived.

* * *

The following day, Harriet was back sitting at her desk, she had had to persuade that being the secretary wasn't menial labour and she was perfectly happy going it. He for his part, seemed intent on reminding her that she was soon to be a queen and therefore should be acting as such, well what was she supposed to do? Sit in a tower for the next millennia, nope, nada, nein, non... You would be more likely to persuade Ron to live in the library for a single year. All her things had been moved into a spare room in Caius' suite, he had sulked quite a bit when she utterly refused to sleep with him and she had been forced to use The Face to get her way, however it was necessary and whilst she wasn't sure how long she could not submit to Caius' seductions, she felt that she had to maintain the moral high ground here. Frowning slightly, Harriet realised that this meant that Caius' wife, Athenodora was now no longer the queen, Caius had assured her they were getting a divorce and that the ex-queen would be leaving the Castle but that didn't make her feel any better. Was she now a homewrecker, a worse version of Lavender Brown? Probably...She needed to chat with Ginny and Hermione, they would make her feel better about life.

She had yet to receive a reply from the Ministry, but she did not exactly want to have to explain that she was mated to one of the kings of the vampire world through a letter. Probably best to do it in person. Time passed without any more attempts to kill/maim/use as a blood box Harriet, it really did help that she was Caius human mate...it was necessary to order the guards not to salute her or give deference (she had Jane though call her Lady Potter just to annoy her...it really was very amusing to see the blonde vampire grind out the phrase). Eventually they did work out though that she didn't mind cooking or anything nor did she need a guard twenty-four-seven.

Harriet was sitting at her desk in the atrium when the door opened to reveal a copper haired vampire who almost staggered in. Pressing a button on the underside of the desk to summon some of the guard, Harriet approached the vampire.

"Can I help you sir?"

He looked up and Harriet was slightly surprised to see golden eyes, oh well, less chance she would be eaten.

"Sir?"

"I...I need to see the kings" the boy managed to say

"Certainly, someone will be here to see you soon, if you could please sit down" With that Harriet guided the vegi vampire over to a chair and gestured him down into it, he did so heavily and caused the seat to skid back across the stone floor creating a screeching sound that caused Harriet and Edward to shudder slightly. Harriet decided she would try to cheer the poor fellow up a little...maybe he drank some bad blood or something.

* * *

 **Sorry for the cliffhanger, as I wrote the next chapter before anything else, it shall be up soon, it just needs some tweaks. Thank you for your continued support of my writings, please comment and tell me what you think. If you see any mistakes do say and I shall endeavor to change them, as I don't have a Beta I do the proof reading by myself so some things do slip through!**


	9. Chapter 9

**I make no apologies that this is basically just Edward and Bella-bashing...! I really struggle with particularly her as a character. This is actually the first chapter that I wrote of this story as I imagined how Bella would interact with a female Harry...how on earth that suddenly became the Harriet I have actually written who is legitimately crazy, I have not quite worked out.**

 **I think I will later do a Jasper/Harriet story. I wouldn't start it until after I have finished at least one of my current stories as I want to ensure I actually do finish them all so I am trying not to have any more than three stories in progress at any one time. It would be considerably different and feature more of the minor characters such as Peter, Charlotte and Garrett.**

 **Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter nor Twilight.**

* * *

Chapter 9:

"So...you are Carlisle's son?" Harriet asked as she sat on the atrium sofa, throwing her feet onto the coffee table in-front of her.

The penny haired boy looked rather sad, "Yes"

"And you are here because you wanted to kill yourself?"

"Yes"

"...Why?"

"Because the love of my life died because I left her, I must join her in death"

"Hmm...not to be, you know, that person...but why didn't you just break your arm off and walk into a bonfire...? I, I just ask because it would have saved you a journey and all."

Edward didn't seem to impressed with Harriet's reasoning (it was of course brilliant but Harriet had long decided that vampires were about as illogical as witches and wizards) and looked back to the ground, running his hands through his hair, if he kept on doing that Harriet mused, then it was going to all come out... Not that it really mattered of course, after all he was here to have himself killed. It was then that Demetri and Felix arrived from their meeting with the kings to collect the boy. He went without a fuss which was dull Harriet mused, it was always funner when they tried to run...could living with the Volturi made her a little sadistic? Hopefully not...probably not...na!

Sighing slightly, Harriet went and received another lot of post from the door.

 _Dear Harriet,_

 _It is obvious something has gone wrong, there are two Italian aurors in the city staying at the San Marco Hostel. If you need to run, go there to room 18, it is warded so no vampires can get in just in case you can't use your portkey, one of the Aurors' will then remove you from the city._

 _There will be representatives of the British Ministry in the cafe underneath the San Marco Hostel tomorrow afternoon at 3 o'clock if you need to talk rather than an extraction. Please keep safe and do not take risks unless they are strictly necessary._

 _Good luck,_

 _Kingsley_

 _P.S. This letter is charmed so only you can read it but please don't leave it around..._

Well that was cheerful Harriet thought. They all seemed a little panicked, she wondered what about, her last letter wasn't too freaked out did it? Perhaps it was a little flustered but no more than that, they were obviously just overreacting, she completely had a reason to be a little flustered though so it didn't really matter. However, she did need to go see them tomorrow. How on earth was she to explain that she went on assignment to study vampires and came back with a vampire mate and a chance at living forever? Her main problem was now that she wasn't sure whether the Act of Secrecy was still necessary for her, she couldn't leave Caius, after all she was rather fond of the man, and technically he would become family and therefore exempt from the Act of Secrecy.

Oh, this was confusing, it was a Treacle Tart Situation Harriet mused as she reached beneath her desk to find the tin that contained slices of tart for emergency situations. Despite what Hermione said, she definitely not comfort eat...she just ate to ensure she had enough energy to think through the difficult situations.

* * *

Half an hour later (and over half a box of treacle tart later) Harriet looked up to see the boy being shown out from the throne room and if possible looked worse than before,

"Edward?" Harriet asked.

"Yes."

"Quick question, did you actually ever hear that it was your girlfriend who had died" Receiving a shrug, Harriet continued, "'Cause, when they said he was 'planning a funeral' that could be a funeral for his neighbour's cousin's goldfish's best friend's octopus...not necessarily your girlfriend." Seeing Edward about to interrupt, Harriet quickly spoke again, "I know your sister had a vision but she may have been, for recreational purposes, jumping off a cliff, I mean have you tried bungee jumping...? Best rush ever, I would jump of a cliff for some adrenaline, I mean why ever do you think I work here, certainly not for the dental plan. So what I am saying is go and phone your future daddy-in-law and speak to him rather than some random bloke you have never met to check whether it was the octopus who died...Capiche?"

Edward just walked out of the building...that wasn't very nice Harriet mused, she for once had given some decent advice and tried to be helpful but no, she is ignored by a boy who looks like some preppy lawyer's son. Whoever told him to wear those loafers was a moron, Harriet did occasionally listen to Hermione and Ginny's explanation of fashion and those shoes would fall into their fashion-don't category. Harriet shrugged, she wasn't wearing them, why should she care? So she turned back to her treacle tart...Whoever invented treacle tart decided an Order of Merlin...no...better than that a Chocolate Frog Card, they were a genius and better than Dymphna Furmage, all she did was get kidnapped by pixies, Merlin damnation the only person stupid enough to do that now would be Lockhart or maybe Goyle, how did she get a chocolate frog card and she, Harriet, the Girl-Who-Lived didn't. There was no justice in this world.

* * *

Harriet was lounging in her seat in the Atrium waiting for something to happen, Caius was with the rest of the kings talking about that utterly moronic, pre-pubescent boy Cullen boy, so she couldn't go and try to annoy/snog him. Seriously, what had crawled up Edward Cullen's arse and died? He was more melodramatic than Voldewhore, more self-obsessed than Draco and more pathetic than a drunk Ron. Spinning around in the chair as fast as she could, Harriet's movement was quickly stopped as she looked up at the clock and saw it was nearing tea time. So skipping off to the kitchen, Harriet loaded up a tray with biscuits, cups, saucers and some blood tea and wandered off carrying it towards the throne room.

They were interrupted forty minutes later from their very civilised tea (whoever thought that vampires who didn't have good table manners even after not eating for two thousand years was greatly misinformed) by the arrival of Afton.

"The boy-wonder decided to try to reveal himself to the humans by walking into the sunlight" he said, rolling his eyes, "He was prevented by the arrival of one Alice Cullen and one Bella Swan... Felix, Demetri and Jane are bringing them down now, they should be here in five minutes or so."

Caius snarled but was distracted when his mate shoved a chocolate chip cookie into his mouth, "Yes Caius, we know you have sharp, pointy teeth, there is no need to show us..."

Retrieving the cookie from his mouth, Caius pulled his wayward mate onto his lap and started rubbing his scent into her hair and skin, showing everyone that she was his. Harriet for her part, rather liked the treatment, she got good cuddles out of the whole arrangement, maybe being mated wasn't so bad, these cuddles were even better than Remus'.

Knowing she should return to the atrium once more, Harriet started to stand up but was prevented when Caius' hand pulled her back to him.

"Caius, I need to go. I get paid to work not have snuggles with you. Not that I really mind but..."

She was interrupted, "No" Caius snarled, "You are staying here where I can see you." So saying the blonde king promptly positioned her standing behind his throne, protected from anyone attacking from the front but still allowing Caius free movement if he needed to attack. Harriet rolled her eyes, whilst she was certain she would quite like to be dominated in...other aspects...this wasn't particularly necessary although she supposed she should continue to play helpless human for just a bit longer.

When the three entered three minutes later Harriet was ever so slightly confused. Edward was wearing a dressing-gown of sorts, there other vampire, (Alicia, Malice, Arabella...something) was almost dancing in, maybe to quote a certain ferret, she was training for the ballet, whilst the human was wet. Seriously, had she fallen into a pond or something? Or maybe this was her attempt hide the scent of her blood...whatever it was, it made her look rather like a drowned rat...ooooh, that brought up images of drowned Pettigrew's...she was definitely not getting sadistic.

Oh...that was interesting Harriet mused as the story started, the wet blanket that was the human girl was her vampire boyfriend's singer...Harriet would have said that it was weird for a human to knowingly date a vampire but she supposed she couldn't exactly talk, but to date the one who would rather eat you than anyone else in the world...hadn't Smella ever heard of Stranger Danger. The witch only just refrained from pointing out to Edwerido that she was right and Bella liked extreme sports...but that would be mean and Harriet tried to not be mean to people who couldn't handle it and Perv-ward seemed a little highly strung at the moment. Harriet decided that the name 'Edward' was on a par with Voldetorte, bother were very easy to mess with, Voldewhore...Edwierdo...Voldetortoise...Arseward... The list was endless and immortality would allow Harriet to explore every possibility.

Standing in the corner behind Caius' throne, Harriet looked around the room, taking in everyone's reaction to the oh, so sad story of love, loss and tragedy, really it should be a TV show, it could join the ranks with shows like _Vampire Diaries,_ human falls in love with vampire, there is a misunderstanding, it is resolved, happily ever after, really Edward sort of looked like a less fit version of that Stefan leech from _Vampire Diaries_ and Bella-Bitch seemed to have about the same amount of unresolved teenage angst as whats-her-face...Elena! Nearly everyone looked at the pair like they were morons, a view that the witch shared. Literally Edward seems personality and mental age seemed to have stuck when he was changed (even Ron was more mature than Edward was) and Bella had less character than a dead pygmy puff (they at least had the decency to look vaguely cute, Bella did no such thing). She had one facial expression, a minor cross between sad and shocked...what was wrong with her...maybe some acupuncture would help with the fact she apparently had no facial expression. Harriet did wonder whether she ever was like that but then decided that she was battling dragons, dark lords and the occasional acromantula, she didn't have time to wonder about stupid things like love at that age.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Bella's nasally voice directed at her interrupted Harriet's thoughts, seriously...that must sound even worse to vampire hearing.

"Oh I am sorry Bella, I am trying to imagine you with a personality…and find myself struggling"

The reaction was almost instantaneous as every vampire, except for Edward snorted. Harriet was quite pleased with that reaction so decided to continue her foray into stand-up comedy for vampires.

"Be glad Aro that you can't read her mind, likely it would be mind numbingly tedious and contain more self-centred thoughts than Caius!"

"I would have thought you were aware that you now take up the majority of my thoughts now, darling?" Caius said

Harriet glanced at her mate, "Try that soppy, sissy stuff and I will be out of the door in a flash, that Mr Darcy crap may work for Cullen and Swan but I swear if you start offering me roses and sonnets I will be very upset and on a plane back home before you cans say 'Dracula'."

Whilst the rest of the Volturi coven smirked and rolled their eyes at the interactions between the two. For his part Caius had been rather pleased that he didn't have to deal with an irritatingly pathetic mate (like Bella), and whilst it had meant she was rather difficult to woo as he wasn't sure what he could give her as courting gifts (read: bribery to get her into bed with him), Harriet's behaviour would ensure that the next two thousand years wouldn't have been as boring as the past two thousand. She was crazy enough already to cope with Aro, clever enough to speak to Marcus and witty and snarky enough to make friends with the guards...and she also cooked amazing food. Caius was drawn back from this thoughts of Harriet by that irritatingly nasal and monotone voice of the Cullen boy's human.

Bella had decided to attempt to stand up for herself (attempt being the key word here) "At least I know I am not going to be eaten by a bunch of vampires because I was late to work"

"I am afraid that was only a 4/10 retort Bella…I think I would be very happy if I was eaten by Caius certainly, at least I know then that I would die of pleasure rather than your hormonal nonsense caused by your 'boyfriend's' (and I use the word 'boy' deliberately as he is no man at all) desire to wear a chastity belt tighter than Heidi's jeans…and that is how you get a 8/10 retort Bella, try again next time, I am sure you will improve sometime!"

"We are waiting for the right time…"

"Oh god" Harriet moaned, "I am so jealous…of all the people who haven't had to meet you yet, why must I suffer your presence, what did I do in my past lives?" (Totally a seven out of ten retort Harriet mused)

Bella-bitch was now standing there mouth agape and Harriet was more than a little proud of that reaction. She started counting, waiting for the human to attempt to find a suitable retort, not that she would of course, after all Harriet had grown up taunting Dudley without him knowing and then verbally (and literally on occasion) sparring with Draco for the next seven years.

After eight Mississippi's there was still the spluttering that came from Edward's mouth was only matched by that of his 'dearest' girlfriend, "Women shouldn't speak like that, there is no need for such language." Edward complained, (-1/10 definitely)

"Oh do be quiet Edward, this is the 21st century... At any rate, Caius enjoys my dirty mouth don't you?"

The vampire in question smirked, "Yes I enjoy your dirty mouth...there are better places you can put your dirty mouth but we shall save those for later I think."

"I shall consider your offer my dear mate but anyway Edward, I would ask whether your arse was jealous of shite that came out of your mouth but I already know the answer as you are a vampire, don't I?" (Was that a six or seven out of ten? She needed to aim higher Harriet decided)

For some reason Bella-bitch started spluttering again, maybe there was something wrong with her such that she was unable to form complete sentences, Harriet wouldn't be surprised, the poor dear seemed to have used every word in her vocabulary in this meeting alone.

"Oh please, Bella, Edward. You are both wastes of oxygen, there is no need to waste even more by trying to speak." Harriet continued internally praising herself for a clear eight out of ten insult, "Anyway, Edward. Basically you are a drug addict and instead of drinking your Singer's blood, you have decided to savour it and keep it safe so that no-one else can have it. What is wrong with you, your father is a doctor, go see him and get a shrink, I know you are fond of those things in America so man up...! Or, you know, eat her...I know it would mean only like five minutes of pleasure but please, she is as useful as a knitted condom. If I were you I would eat her, you have vampire memory so would be able to think about it for a long time afterwards." Was she being a little mean Harriet mused, after all, neither Bella-bitch nor Doucheward seemed to be anywhere near her level?

"That is that, we are leaving" Edward yelled...was that a pube-squeak in the middle of that?

"Oh, do you have to leave? I was about to poison your tea, you seemed so desirous to recreate Romeo and Juliet that I thought I would speed along the process. It would at least save us having to listen to you two proclaiming your undying infatuation for each other as Edward killed you, Bella, or something similar."

Felix was in fits of laughter that didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon, "Please Harriet, please stop. We know you have an endless supply of these but please, there is only so long we can keep Edward from attacking you"

Here Caius who had been chuckling to himself, stopped and glared at Edward before storming over to Harriet and picking her up and sitting her on his lap, lightly kissing her exposed shoulders and necks.

"And Edward?" He asked, "Who said you could leave?"

There was silence for a few seconds as the Cullens' turned back to face the thrones before Malice (definetly her name) decided to speak for the first time, "Bella will become a vampire... I have seen it."

"How did you see it?" Harriet asked, "Are you a seer?"

"Yes", why ever did she sound smug? Tralawney was a crazy old cow, maybe it was a trait of all seers'.

"So you have had a vision of Bella as a vampire?"

"Yes"

"And all your visions definitely come true?" Harriet asked, rather suspicious, Hermione worked as an Unspeakable so she was now well aware of the difference between visions and prophecies.

"...No. The future is ever subject to change"

"So what you mean is that at this moment Bella-bitch will become a vampire?"

"...Yes"

"And if tomorrow she decides that she doesn't want to be a vampire, what will you do?"

There was silence. Harriet smirked, there was so much fun to be had in messing with people.

"Miss Cullen" Aro said, "May I see the vision?"

Pulling of her glove, the small girl approached, hand outstretched to allow Aro to see her thoughts.

Aro sighed as he released her hand, he had a choice. Kill the human and let the vampires live, let them all live or kill them all, "Caius what would you like done?"

"Kill them all." Well that was expected everyone mused, the chances of Caius saying to let them all live was the same as the chances of Harriet giving up eating Treacle Tart for an eternity.

"Marcus?" Aro asked.

"Limit their time, if after six months they have not changed the human then they all die." That made sense actually Aro thought. He kept on the right side of Carlisle, it provided a bit more amusement for everyone for the next six months (he could already see the bets that would take place if they allowed this).

Looking to both his brothers Aro said, "I agree with Marcus. Isabella Swan, you have six months to be changed and fake your death. If after that time you have not informed us of a change and allowed one of the Guard to visit to verify your claim then your lives are all forfeit. We create and keep the rules for a reason and you shall abide by them. We are already being generous as Marcus has informed me that you are not true mates anyway and it is unlikely that you will ever be. Harriet, would you show them out."

"Certainly, Aro" Harriet said cracking a salute. She almost sighed with happiness, she got another six months to annoy them all. "Follow me if you would, Malice, Bella-bitch and Edwierdo." Leading them out of the throne room and up towards the atrium they walked in silence.

"Why can't I read your mind, I can't read Bella's I know, but why can't I read yours?" Edward snarled eventually.

Harriet pouted, "Probably because I don't have a mind to read...probably for the best you can't read it..." Even Voldewhore hadn't tried to mess with her mind after Fifth Year, Harriet had decided to force imagined images of the young Tom Riddle in an 'intimate relationship' with Nagini whenever he tried. For some reason, the Dork Lord seemed to find those images...disturbing, Harriet couldn't think why.

Reaching the door out into the street Harriet opened it for the small group and with Innocent Face Number 3 said, "Thank you for visiting Volturi Castle, we hope you enjoyed the tour and please write a review for us online, any comments you make will be useful to improve our customer service and tours. We would love to have you back at any time and feel free to ask any questions."

(They didn't ask any questions which was a shame as Harriet would have loved to talk about the architecture, instead they all just walked out of the door without a 'please' or 'thank you'. Harriet sniffed, how rude.)

* * *

"Caius, you know that I am a genius, right?" receiving a slightly wary nod from Caius, Harriet continued, "I have decided that I am an evil genius...I filmed this whole meeting thing!"

Caius turned his head slightly, "And?"

"Well you know, I thought that perhaps the rest of Doucheward's family would love to see this whole thing...so I may have emailed them the whole film. That way they can see the whole thing before they inevitably pick the lovesick duo from the airport..."

Here Harriet was interrupted as her mate picked her up, pressing her up against a nearby wall and kissing her senseless. This is not to say of course that Harriet was an unwilling participant as she eagerly returned it.

Caius groaned, "Come back to my room with me, let me love you!"

Harriet sighed, "Sorry, no can do. I have to go shopping, I think this calls for a celebration cake!"

So saying Harriet wriggled her way out from between her mate and the wall and wondered off down the hall. Caius meanwhile was left forehead against the wall, trying to will away the tightness in his trousers, it didn't seem to be helping. He was seriously considering whether his mate was aware at all of the effect that she had on him. She could be seriously cruel, maybe she was just being sadistic. Not that it mattered, the net result was the same, Caius with too tight trousers and seriously considering whether Harriet could ever be persuaded into his bed.

* * *

Meanwhile in Forks:

Carlisle Cullen was sitting in his office with his head in his hands trying to process everything. After all one of his sons had decided to dump his girlfriend, then commit suicide when he thought she was dead, then his sister had to fly over to Italy with said girlfriend to play nice to the vampire kings.

"Carlisle?" Esme's voice filtered clearly into the office from the sitting room and the doctor quickly, worried that his wife had heard some new news. Entering the room, he found his wife and the rest of his children sitting there.

"What is it, is it news about Bella and Edward?"

"Yes, there is an email from Harriet Potter, you remember the Volturi secretary...?"

A minor part of Carlisle's brain was busy processing how on earth that girl had managed to survive nearly six months with the Volturi. The more major part of his thoughts was dominated by the fact that the email may be informing him of the death of both his son, daughter and Bella. Sucking in an unnecessary breath, Carlisle lent forward and opened the email. It appeared quickly on the screen and all five vampires read the email quickly.

 _Dear Carlisle, Esme and family,_

 _I am sure you aware of the presence of two of your coven members here in Volterra along with a certain human. I can confirm that they have left the castle here all alive and basically unscathed. Anyway, I felt that you should see the events that transpired here so I have attached the security footage of the meetings that Edward had with the three kings._

 _Please do feel free to contact me should the need arise and we would be happy to see you all under happier circumstances,_

 _Harriet Potter_

 _P.S. How ever have you survived a hundred years living with Edward...he is a teenage moron of the highest order._

Twenty minutes later, four members of the Cullen family sat in shock, the video starting again on loop. The fifth member of the family, Emmett, was lying on the floor giggling slightly.

"I like her!" he said

"How is she still alive...wait...I know she is Caius' mate but how did she survive long enough for him to work that out?" Jasper asked, "I am sorry I didn't believe you when you told us about her."

Rosalie was smirking now, "Bella-bitch...Edwierdo...Malice...I rather like those names, they suit them all. I wonder whether I could write this Harriet girl a thank you letter."

Carlisle groaned, Emmett was enthusiastic enough, he didn't need Harriet's assistance and nor did Rosalie who was a total cow at the best of times. Why? However, at least his family was all alive, they now had to just make sure Bella was changed within the next six months, otherwise three members of his family would be dead. And she was Caius' mate so likely to be around for an eternity. An eternity of dealing with Harriet Potter did not sound easy...at least the Volturi seemed a little less uptight now... Okay, Carlisle admitted to himself, he was just trying to find something decent from a bad situation.

He sighed as he heard Emmett say, "Well you have her email address, why not just reply to her email, you can be pen-pals?" Maybe he should worry less about getting a shrink for Edward as Harriet had suggested and more worry about getting one for himself.

* * *

Sneaking out of the Volturi lair was easier than Harriet was expecting, all she had to say was that she was going shopping and she was allowed out. Caius' hadn't been happy but she had promised him something involving naked bodies and chocolate sauce and suddenly he was willing.

Walking down the narrow streets of the walled city, Harriet eventually found the San Marco hostel and the cafe beneath it. Ducking under the awning, Harriet entered the cafe and saw a rather large group of very familiar faces, sitting in deep conversation around a large table.

Walking over and taking the free seat, Harriet cleared her throat, "Hello, I know I haven't seen you all in six months but there is no need to ignore me."

Everyone turned to see Harriet sitting in a tight dress, heels and make up, Fred spoke first, "Even now it surprises me when I see you dressed up Harriet..."

"...Yes, she actually looks good when she tries..." George added

"...It is a good thing that the paparazzi aren't here..." (Fred)

"...So true, a picture of Harriet like this would end up on many teenage boys' walls for the next few years" George finished before the twins pulled their adopted sister into a hug. After Harriet was pulled into hugs by Kingsley, Remus, Ron and Hermione (and forcibly inflicted a hug on Sevvy) everyone sat down once more.

"We are glad to see you" Kingsley said, "Now, what can we help you with, if not an extraction?"

"So basically...I have a small situation which I need advice on. It isn't too major...

Kingsley interrupted groaning, "They found out about magic then, we thought your cover would slip eventually, after all it was you."

Harriet was insulted, "I will have you know that I am still under cover and they don't know about magic. Really, I hate to think what I have ever done to deserve such little respect for my skills..." she tutted. Eye brows raised around the table as they remembered situations like Harriet getting her head stuck in some park railings whilst chasing an escaped Death Eater; Harriet forgetting that her Disillusionment Spell had worn off and that she was sneaking around humming the Mission Impossible theme tune in full view of the muggles (forty muggles obliviated later...); Harriet giving Draco Malfoy a stuffed blonde ferret for his wedding present (it was charmed to say 'my father will hear about this' whenever anyone said 'Draco'); Harriet then dueling Draco at said wedding over the insult (the wedding cake ended up on Narcissa Malfoy); Harriet breaking out of Gringotts a second time to prove it could be done (the fact that no-one even now knows how she managed to do it, including the goblins, is another story, especially as she only had her wand, two screwdrivers, a bag of nifflers, a puffskein called Gary, a length of rope and some WD-40 and Duct Tape.)

Basically, there were very few reasons to trust Harriet, there was a long standing bet in the Auror force as to how long it would be before Harriet was forcibly moved to another department, for whilst she was the best duelist and dark wizard catcher, she lacked the...finesse and tact occasionally needed. They had long since decided that under no circumstances was Harriet ever to be the one to visit a family to tell them that someone was dead, she would likely give them a speech about the next great adventure before asking them about the Quidditch scores and whether they wanted to see a thestral.

Harriet was continuing in her explanations though, "I am awesome (as I am at everything else, mind) under cover. Anyway. Basically, you know that synthetic blood? Well. I thought, hey, could the muggle vampires eat it. So I made them treacle tart a couple days after I first arrived. Long story short, they liked it and ate it and I have been cooking for them ever since... We had a simply delightful Christmas where I worked out that vampires could get drunk."

"You have been making food for the vampires?" Sevvy asked in shock, really Harriet thought, was this too much of a surprise. She was pretty sure this ranked only at number twelve on the most-surprising-things-Harriet-had-ever-done list, killing a basilisk aged twelve surely had to rank above this.

"...And you didn't think to tell us...why?" Kingsley groaned.

"Well I thought you would be annoyed with me, but if you think about it, I did accidentally find a way to stop the vampires of Volterra killing a few thousand muggles each year... I think this deserves a chocolate frog card, don't you? Kingsley, as Minister, can you order them to make one for me?"

Everyone just stared at Harriet like she was the idiot. She had spent a long time composing the text for it, although she did suppose that now she had to change it, she forgot to mention she was mated to Caius and that deserved to go on the card, after all she was now going to be queen of an entire race. Oh yeah, Harriet mused, she should probably tell her friends (and Snape) that too.

"Oh, the other thing was, you remember how I sent you all that information about vampire mates?"

"...Yes" Ron said, still mouth agape as he watched Harriet still not quite believing his best friend at that moment. Only she would think, you know what vampires need? Treacle Tart obviously...no-one else would ever do something like that.

"Well you remember how I said it can take some time for a vampire to work out that someone is their mate? Well, a few days ago Caius worked out how his mate was."

"And who was it?" Kingsley mused, thinking that Harriet was only bringing this topic up to inform them of the power change.

"...Well me apparently!"

There was a heartbeat of silence before Ron, Kingsley, Fred, George, Sev and Remus started yelling. Really Harriet thought, it was lucky there were muggle repelling spells up, otherwise they would likely be thrown out of the cafe and that would be a shame, they had rather delicious tarte tatin here, maybe she should try making some for Caius, he was rather fond of apples. Just as she was about to take another mouthful, she was prevented by a shout of anger.

"Why are you just sitting there?" Sevvy roared, "You are sitting there eating your damn tart after telling us that you are now QUEEN of an entire species..."

Even the ever rational Hermione, seemed to have lost her composure, "You are MATED to one of the vampire kings?"

"Hmmm...yes!"

"...Right."

"Hang on" Harriet called looking up from her plate after the group who were suddenly leaving the table, "Where are you going?"

"We are going to go and _talk_ to a certain vampire king." said Kingsley

"Why?" Harriet said running after them, was there time to go back and fetch the rest of that tarte? It was really rather good and it would be such a waste to leave it. Tarte/save vampires/tarte/save the Minister/tarte Harriet mused, at least there was some more Treacle Tart her desk should it be be needed.

"We need to ensure you are going to be treated well..." Fred said

"...and threaten him a little" that was George

"Or maybe a bit more than a little" added Remus, his eyes glowing slightly amber as Mooney made his presence known.

"Is this strictly necessary?" Harriet asked tottering along behind the group in her heels.

The resounding 'yes' she got made her sigh...it seemed like she wasn't going to have to explain magic to her mate, her mate was about to find out all on his lonesome. Harriet could only wonder whether she could move to Tibet now, being a monk seemed like a fine job.

"I think we should talk about this first!" Harriet called out after the group, she was ignored.

* * *

 **So, this covers the events of pretty much all of _New Moon._ Bella and Edward survive (for now...) in the next chapter, we are back to the Caius/Harriet story and the revelation of magic!**

 **Please tell me what you think and if you see any mistakes...**

Author Edit- There have been a couple of comments concerning the use of the word 'crazy' whilst I am perfectly aware that it does have negative connotations, it's secondary meaning is enthusiastic (the context I meant it in). However, to avoid misinterpretation I have changed the two times it was used, I will admit, it was a slightly lazy word use. I know Harriet seems a bit mean in this chapter, but I am afraid it was really done for humorous purposes, there is going to be further explanation of her character later when she has to explain her life to Caius. F200x


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 somehow! Quite a short chapter but I thought I should not leave everyone is suspense for too much longer.**

 **Sorry this is so late, but a warning that updates are going to be sporadic as I have a huge piece of research due in a month or so. I have tried to answer as many private messages as possible when I got back from my trip but if I missed some, I apologise, please message me again and I will answer questions etc.**

 **Disclaimer- I own neither Harry Potter nor Twilight.**

* * *

"I think we are making a big mistake here…Can I at least warn them first, they are a sort of kill first and ask questions later people…? Is anyone listening to me?" Harriet said as she trailed in the wake of a determined group of wizards (and a single other witch).

"No Harriet, no-one is listening to you." Ron said as he marched onward, fists clenched.

"Well that is mean, the one time I actually have good advice and am the expert on something and no-one listens… Hermione…come on, tell them!"

"Nope Harriet. Sorry, we have someone to speak to" came the reply from the bushy haired woman.

"There is no bloody need to defend my damn honour" Harriet moaned, "I haven't even slept with the bloke and…"

"Well that is good then" Remus said, "We can write up a formal marriage contract now." Could vampires even sign a magically binding contract Remus mused, it would be helpful if he could, if he broke it then he would die. Remus smiled malevolently, that would be nice, put in a clause where they couldn't sleep with each other for a year or something...or ever.

"Kingsley!" Harriet meanwhile was trying again, "Come on, please…. Pretty please with a cherry on top and marshmallow decorations. Can we speak about this first, there is no need for marriage contacts nor any other contracts…"

"Sorry Harriet, you are the Woman-Who-Won and we need to ensure you will be treated right, we are your family." The Minister answered.

By this point Harriet had decided everyone had lost their minds, at any rate her feet were sore in the heels so she slowed down a moment to slip them off. By the time she had them off and in her hand, the group of wizards and the single witch were more than fifty metres ahead of her and Harriet resorted to running them down in nothing but her stockings.

"Please...Remus can't go in there at least."

"Oh, and why is that Harriet?" the man in question asked without looking at his adoptive goddaughter

"You are a werewolf...they are vampires...that is basically asking for a fight."

"A fight I would be perfectly happy in involve myself..." Remus muttered to no-one in particular.

"Please..."

"No"

"Please..."

"NO"

By this point, the group had reached the door into the castle which was locked by a code.

"Tell us the code now Harriet." Kingsley said as he palmed his wand, desperately wanting to blast the door open but knowing that that would only draw attention and whilst he could use a spell to unlock the door, it may short circuit the electricity for the whole of the building and again, that wasn't a good idea.

"No..."

Hermione sighed, "It is 639204, she told us in a letter three months ago..."

"Damn" Harriet muttered as she watched the Minister manage to open the door, cursing her own dedication to her reports, if only they hadn't been so professional then they wouldn't have managed to get in.

"Everyone in and on alert, Remus you are to keep an eye on Harriet, Fred and George on the flanks, Severus and I will go point, Hermione and Ron on back up. Make sure everyone has their portkeys in case of an evacuation needed." Kingsley started to walk in the door before he turned and looked back at the group, "Actually, Remus tether Harriet to you, we don't need her wandering off."

Harriet sulked as the Tethering Charm was attached between Remus and herself, the charm was usually needed to prevent young children from wandering away from their parents but for the wizards it now had a useful secondary use, particularly as it could only be removed by the person who spelled it, unless they died, so Harriet couldn't escape nor cause trouble, well any more trouble.

"Can I get something first?" Harriet asked, using one of The Faces aimed at Remus who sighed slightly.

"What do you need Harriet?"

"Treacle Tart. You ran off before I could finish the tarte tatain. Please?"

"Hmmm, let me think about that... No. Now where is this damn leech?"

"Won't tell." Harriet said as she folded her arm.

Hermione though, as ever, had all the answers, "The throne room is down that corridor, down the steps on the left and the double doors on the right."

"How do you know that Hermione?"

"You drew us plans five months ago..."

Wrinkling her nose, Harriet thought back, oh yeah, she did, that was the letter when she also drew sketches of all the vampires, they weren't very appreciated though, she had drawn them caricature style, apparently that wasn't professional. (She drew Heidi in the nude, Afton and Chelsea recreating the _Titanic_ pose, Caius as Nelson, Marcus as Lincoln, Aro as a burlesque dancer, anyway, they weren't appreciated.)

* * *

Caius was sitting in the throne room sulking slightly, surrounded by the guard members and his brothers. His dear mate was off shopping (and it wasn't sexy lingerie anyway) and had once again left him rather horny. Fucking hell, Caius mused, he was acting like a teenager in a brothel for the first time or something instead of a two thousand year vampire. Either Harriet was as oblivious and innocent as anything or she enjoyed seeing him in acute pain... He rather doubted his mate was oblivious, innocent or whatever but really? He had literally had to consider whether he should change his trousers as he wasn't sure the stitching around his crotch would hold he was that damn hard. The worst thing was that his dear brother had read his thoughts when they brushed hands and promptly started laughing hysterically. It was a pity that if Aro did disappear someone would notice, Caius mused.

"Why can I hear heartbeats down the hall?" Felix asked suddenly, "There isn't a tour today, in fact there hasn't been a tour for months..."

The door suddenly exploded inwards and all the vampires fell into defensive crouches as the dust cleared, revealing four people.

"WHICH OF YOU IS CAIUS?" a man in some sort of purple robe yelled, clutching a stick in his hand.

"That would be me human." Caius said with disdain, "Why are you here...other than to die of course?"

"You are mated to Harriet and as such we feel the need to threaten you..."

"Where is she?" Caius roared, about to jump at the men.

At that point another man strode in accompanied by a woman with Harriet skipping close behind, "Oh hello Caius...sorry about my friends they are rather overprotective, I told them not to come but it didn't work...Anyway, this is Kingsley, my boss' boss; Remus, my adoptive godfather; Gred, Forge and Ron, my adoptive brothers; Hermione, my BFF (best friend forever for those of you over forty years of age) and Severus, my frenemy (person I love to hate), is somewhere, I am not sure really where though..." Harriet said as she looked around for the man dressed in black.

"Explain my mate" Caius growled, unhappy seeing his mate surrounded by men he didn't know and talking about things he didn't understand.

"Oh sorry!" Harriet said, "See I am a witch and I was sent to spy on you by our government (i.e. Kinglsey). Sevvy was my teacher, Ron and Mione are my bezzies, Gred and Forge my adopted brothers, Remy is my godfather. And I think that is everyone and everything..."

Everyone looked at Harriet who smiled benignly around.

"I think..." Kingsley stated, "More of an explanation is needed. Magic exists and we are evidence of an ancient and secretive society of people who evolved or were blessed with magic. We are rather like you; we have our own government and laws, our own battles and lives. When we discovered your existence we had Harriet come to ensure you were not going to reveal yourselves as well as how your society worked."

"Magic doesn't exist..." Aro frowned.

"Says the vampire..." One of the red headed twins muttered.

"Oh really, proof is needed then... _bombarda"_ Ron said, aiming just above Caius head at the wall which promptly exploded.

Fred and George for some reason took this to be permission to prove that magic existed by throwing as many prank spells as they could at as many vampires as they could. Felix now had an elephant's trunk for a nose, Jane had devil horns and a tail, Alec was hanging upside down from the ceiling and Afton's right leg and swapped with his left.

There were screams, "I have a TAIL"

"GET ME DOWN..." Alec yelled from above them all.

"I can't walk, why have my legs swapped?"

"Mmmirngmeigne" (That was Felix)

"Magic..." Marcus murmured "It exists, we heard whispers a millennia ago but when we found no proof, we dismissed the stories."

One of the twins snorted, "It exists alright and we can kill you all with one spell each."

"But back on track..."

"...You are mated to our sister..."

"...and it is our prerogative as brothers...

"...to ensure she is taken care off..."

"...so we came to check!"

Harriet smirked, it seemed even vampires struggled with the twin talk, she turned back to her mate, "I really am sorry, I didn't think you would be my mate, so you would never find out."

Caius looked at his mate, "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I was going to but I couldn't break our laws... Plus, I wasn't sure how best to tell you that I was a rather recognisable witch..."

There were snorts from many of the wizards, "'Rather recognisable'" Ron guffawed. "Harriet... You speak to low of yourself. Caius mate, Harriet is the most famous witch in Britain and probably Europe. She has defeated a Dark Lord multiple times, killed a basilisk, ended a war in our society twice... You get the idea. I mean her monikers are 'The Girl-Who-Lived' and the 'Woman-Who-Won'..."

Harriet frowned, "Sure, why don't I go spilling all your life secrets to Hermione and see how that goes well. I am sure she would love to know about that time I took you to Hooters... Wait...I think I may have promised to never bring that up again... Hermione, please forget I just said anything about your husband. I am not above using memory charms if necessary... God knows I wish someone had done that for my memories of that day. I mean really..."

"Harriet" Remus singsonged as he saw the bushy haired woman glare at her husband, "We have more important things to consider."

"Oh yeah..." Harriet turned back to her mate, "Anyway, I will explain the whole life story (or just give you the biographies) later. But, most important thing is, we know your secret, you know ours. We can't reveal each other as that reveals ourselves. I think this is going to be the start of a wonderful partnership. Maybe we should start a UN or something for the supernatural communities of the world... Shotgun being President!"

Kingsley groaned, "Right, that is going on the list of things that Harriet is never to be allowed to do or suggest again..." He turned to the three kings, "As a gesture of goodwill we would be willing to have someone show you introduce to our world and community" (Kingsley ignored Harriet's cry of 'Shotgun') "Whilst we understand that you may not trust us (after all we choose Harriet to go undercover) we hope this is the start of a profitable relationship for us all."

There was silence for a moment as the three kings had a whispered conversation at vampire speed.

Aro cleared his throat, "We will consider it, obviously with Harriet as Caius mate we will have a relationship and treaty of sorts, but we would prefer to see how your society is managed, runs, protects and hides itself before we agree to anything..."

"Hate to break up this touching scene that I am sure will be referred to for centuries to come," Alec called out, "But can someone get me down?" Everyone looked up to see the dark haired vampire still stuck to the ceiling.

Kingsley looked at the twins with a single eyebrow raised. Within a few seconds they caved.

"Fine" they said together as with a few flicks of the wand Felix, Afton and Alec were back to normal.

Seeing this Jane yelled out "What about me?"

"No..."

"We are leaving..."

"You like that..."

"It suits you..."

"Truthfully, I can't see a difference..." George finished with a smirk.

Aro was interrupted from whatever he was going to say by Severus Snape, who stalked into the room.

"So have you persuaded these vampires that we are not mad, nor incompetent?" He said enunciating clearly as was his want.

Suddenly a rather familiar phrase resounded through the room, "MINE"

"What is this tomfoolery?" Severus Snape asked as he suddenly found himself pinned by the gaze of a vampire.

"MINE"

"Potter what is happening?"

"Ooohhh" Harriet exclaimed, bouncing on the soles of her feet, "I know, I know"

"MINE"

"POTTER, tell me now."

"Say 'please'"

"MINE"

"POTTER"

"Say 'Please Harriet' and then I will…"

"MINE"

"…please…Harriet" Snape grounded out as though it was physically painful

"See Ron, he actually said my name…"

"MINE"

"Potter"

"Fine…don't get your robes in a twist… anyway… welcome to the family!"

"MINE"

Snape didn't respond for a moment and looked rather ill, "I find my mate, my life mate…and Harriet fucking Potter is part of the coven… Fate, I know I am your bloody chew toy but really this is a step too far…"

"MINE"

"Err…Sev… You need to say that you are his, otherwise they get a bit pissy…"

"MINE"

"Oh, fine…yours then."

"Mine"

"Yours..." Snape repeated then muttered at the end "Are vampires always this stupid when they are territorial? They are worse than Gryffindor's… ugh…" Severus' mumblings were ended as he was pulled to a purring Marcus' chest.

Perhaps now we should examine the responses of the other people in the room, Aro and Caius were grinning as they watched another member of their coven find their mate; Harriet was still bouncing; the vampire Guard all had the eyebrows raised and the other wizards and witches in the room all had their mouths open in shock. There was not any other possible reaction really, this was Severus Snape, the Dungeon Bat.

"Yayyy...an eternity to annoy Sevvy!" Harriet mused out-loud as she bounced on the balls of her feet.

The man in question stiffened before struggling, "NOPE, sorry whatever-your-name-is!" Severus said, "This isn't going to work..." trying to pull away from the embrace of the vampire who wasn't having any of it.

"My name, darling one, is Marcus"

Severus paused his struggles, thinking back to what he knew about the Volturi, "Wait...You are a vampire king? Harriet Potter is my sister-in-law?"

The slight squeak in the Potion Master's last phrase was followed by a certain pair of red headed twins falling to the ground in hysterics. Severus would forever deny (although vampire memory would disagree) that he blushed when Ron, Kingsley and Harriet followed the twins into fits of laughter, only Hermione and Remus remained upright but even they were struggling to contain their mirth.

* * *

 _Dear Miss Potter,_

 _Whilst I am aware that we have not met, I felt that I needed to thank you for sending that incredible video. We really enjoyed watching it (Carlisle and Esme weren't quite so enthused but the rest of us loved it). Anyway. I felt I needed to contact you as I really wanted to speak to you, I thought we could become pen pals of a sort?_

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Rosalie Hale, Cullen coven_

 _P.S. The Wonder Trio are already complaining and whining... Why couldn't you just kill them?_

 _P.P.S. This is Emmett, I am Rosie's mate. Just wanted to add my sincere appreciation of the insults you employed, please please please come visit, I would love to see Eddie-boy and Alice's face if you did. On a side note your accent is awesome, can you teach me to speak like that? Apparently the English accent is the fifth sexiest accent in the world...I think Rosie may like it in the bedroom. (Don't tell her I said that)._

* * *

Later that evening when Harriet was lying snuggled up in Caius chest, playing with his hair (she was definitely not putting plaits and beads in it) she shifted slightly to look up into her mate's face.

"Caius?"

"Yes little one?"

"Can we go on holiday?"

"Holiday?" Caius inquired as he looked down at his mate

"Mmmm."

"Where to?"

"America, I have never been..." Harriet said

"Any particular place in America?"

"Well...I heard Washington was lovely at this time of year."

* * *

 **And we end chapter 10, tell me what you think of the meeting between the wizards and the vampires!**

 **Message me if you have any thoughts, comments, ideas, people you would like to see, etc. I love hearing from you all. F200x**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer- I own neither Harry Potter nor Twilight**

* * *

Chapter 11:

Two days had passed since the great revelation of magic had occurred (and two days that Jane had had to exist with a tail and horns). Life had settled down a little as Harriet and Severus both settled into life with the Volturi aware of magic.

Severus though was smirking as he walked down the corridor holding three books he had just ordered. Opening the doors to the throne room, he was relieved to see most of the Volturi were there but Harriet was not. He had spent quite a long time wondering how it would be best to get Harriet back for all the...wrongs of the past years and had decided that the easiest way was to tell the Volturi (including her mate) all about her life, without her being there to monitor the tale. The girl had an ability to skip past the bad bits and emphasise the good bits in a way that would make a politician jealous.

"Good morning" Severus said as he dropped a kiss onto the cheek of his mate who promptly pulled him onto his lap. The potion master had been getting very fond of life with the Volturi, mostly Marcus but that was obvious of course. He wasn't particularly fond of the others yet. He could cope with Caius', although his infatuation with the Potter girl was both a mystery and irritating. Aro was more of a pain, although, Severus felt sorry for the fact he could hear the thoughts of everyone with a single touch. While he was sure it was very useful, the wizard was well aware the pain, awkwardness and loneliness that must create for the king. Having said that, his behaviour, rather like a toddler on a sugar high, was not a good part of his personality.

"What has you so happy?" Marcus asked his mate as he cuddle him close, running his nose from his ear, down the wizard's neck to the junction of his shoulder.

"Well, I just happened to be ordering some books and thought I would get you some books. Between these three books is the most in-depth and best way to understand the magical world and Harriet Potter." Severus would have sniggered, this was the best damn way to get revenge, he had chosen the books carefully, the first was by Rita Skeeter, the second by Denis Creevey and the third by a man called Adolphus Hogg. Between the three of them they revealed pretty much every single event of the life of Harriet Lily Potter, from several points of view.

Aro was enthusiastic, "Well this seems like the perfect way to get to know the magical world. And Severus can explain anything we don't understand. Jane! I hid a box of bloodpops under the green sofa in the library, can you get them?"

Caius turned to his brother with a scowl on his face as Jane left the room, her tail twitching slightly unconsciously behind her, "Have you been hoarding the bloodpops again?"

Aro sniffed slightly, "I have not been hiding them, I just felt that delayed gratification was a better idea."

"Brothers!" Marcus said sharply as he looked at his two brothers who both looked prepared to have a long argument, "We have better things to talk about than this. Now, when Jane gets back we shall start the books and we will **not** argue."

When Jane did eventually return it was to find Aro and Caius ignoring each other and Severus happily humming as he flicked through the three books whilst Marcus massaged his head. After the blood pops had been distributed, Severus started to tell the tale of Harriet Lily Potter, using all three books to try to accurately tell the tale of the first year at Hogwarts. However, he did not manage to get two minutes into his narration before he was interrupted.

"Where are you going Caius?" Marcus asked in exasperation as his brother stood quickly and marched to the door.

"To get a piece of paper..."

Marcus sighed as his brother left the throne room and soon returned with a notebook and fountain pen. "And what is the paper for?"

"A list." Caius answered as he once more sat upon his throne and started writing something.

"A list of...?" Aro asked

"A list of people I need to hurt, maim, kill, or otherwise damage as a result of their treatment of Harriet. Name one is Voldemort, name two is Petunia Dursley, name three, Vernon Dursley, name four, Dudley Dursley."

"Ahhh" Marcus replied, well aware of the vampire need to protect and defend their mate, however, he turned when he heard his mate, still sitting upon his lap, snort slightly.

"You will need a bigger notebook than that." Seveus answered, he paused for a moment, "And whilst I do not wish to ruin the story, I have no wish to be killed by Caius so I will say in advance I was forced to treat Harriet as I did for certain reasons, not always for my personal gratification in the humiliation and embarrassment of Harriet Potter."

Just as the group of vampires had finished reading about Harriet's first year, they heard Caius swearing.

"What is it?" Marcus asked, trying not to roll his eyes in exasperation at his brother's behaviour.

"I can't kill Quirrell." Caius said crossing out the name from his book (which by now had forty three names in it, including Voldemort (written three times for emphasis), Draco Malfoy, Argus Filch, Mrs. Norris, Fluffy, Goyle, Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson etc.).

"You will find that is the case for many people" Severus muttered. "Shall we move onto second year?"

There was an enthusiastic response and so Severus cracked open all three books once more and started to tell of the second year of Harriet's life at Hogwarts.

* * *

 _Extract from Caius list of people to kill, maim, etc. from Harriet's second year:_

 _Dudley Dursley_

 _Vernon Dursley_

 _Petunia Dursley_

 _Dobby the House Elf_

 _Ginny Weasley - Likes Harriet too much, she is mine_

 _Gilderoy Lockhart - already lost his memory, not quite a good enough punishment but will do...for now._

 _Lucius Malfoy_

 _Argus Filch_

 _A Bludger - already destroyed_

 _The entire Slytherin Quidditch team_

 _Justin Finch-Fletchley_

 _Aragog_

 _Aragog's children_

 _Basilisk - Already dead which is a pain...would have been fun to try to kill one using vampire speed. Maybe Harriet knows where more are; organise a hunting party?_

 _Tom Riddle/Voldemort - Needs to die a very painful death_

 _Lucius Malfoy - He sounds like a creep and he threatened Harriet, perhaps his cane can find a new home up his arse...although we would have to remove the log already up there_

 _Extract_ _of list of people who have gained_ _a reprieve in Harriet's second year:_

 _Dobby the House elf- Fine he can come off the list, he tried to save Harriet...and he hurt Lucius Malfoy, even better_

* * *

The third year accounts of Harriet Potter's life at Hogwarts went even worse. Apparently dementors, escaped convicts and hippogryphs were more irritating. Aro had decided that blood pops were akin to comfort food and so now distributed them with alarming regularity and speed, Severus hated to think what would happen when the box ran out.

Indeed, suddenly inanimate objects and creatures such as broomsticks, time-turners, dementors and boggarts went on Caius list. Werewolves were added several times over naturally as well as Peter Pettigrew, Draco Malfoy again, Trelawney, Voldemort again and several others.

* * *

 _Extract from Caius list of people to kill, maim, etc. from Harriet's fourth year:_

 _Voldemort - Invading Harriet's dreams is mean, it should be only me she dreams about_

 _Dudley Dursley_

 _Vernon Dursley_

 _Petunia Dursley_

 _Cedric Diggory - Seemed to enjoy speaking to Harriet too much._

 _Mad Eye Moody - Using the Unforgivable curses_

 _The Triwizard Cup_

 _Madame Maxine_

 _Fleur Delacour_

 _Igor Karkaroff_

 _All of Hufflepuff, quite literally everyone._

 _Ron Weasley- for being a prick_

 _Draco Malfoy_

 _Anyone who wore any of those badges_

 _Rita Skeeter_

 _Rita Skeeter's photographer_

 _Hungarian Horntail - Hurt Harriet, should treat like Basilisk._

 _Oliver Wood - FOR TAKING HARRIET TO THE FUCKING BALL. Apparently he is now a professional 'quidditch' player...accidents happen. (Get someone to curse a bludger)_

 _Fred Weasley - For dancing with Harriet_

 _George Weasley - For dancing with Harriet_

 _Cedric Diggory - For dancing with Harriet...and for being a sanctimonious git_

 _Ron Weasley - For being the thing that Harriet would miss most in the world, should be me..._

 _Draco Malfoy_

 _Igor Karkaroff_

 _Hagrid - for breeding anything like Blast ended Skrewts_

 _Peter Pettigrew_

 _Voldemort - Bastard_

 _Lucius Malfoy_

 _Goyle Snr_

 _Crabbe Snr_

 _Avery_

 _Nott_

 _Barty Crouch Jr_

 _Cornelius Fudge_

 _Rita Skeeter_

 _Extract_ _of list of people who have gained_ _a reprieve in Harriet's fourth year:_

 _Ron Weasley (only just)_

 _Cedric Diggory even if he was an annoying ponce but apparently it would be mean to think ill of the dead. Just seen a photo of him, he looked like that fucking Cullen boy, even more reason to hate him...maybe he should stay on the list despite the fact he helped Harriet with the second task?_

 _Fred and George Weasley (only just)_

 _Mad Eye Moody - Wasn't his fault he was locked in a trunk for a year_

* * *

To say that the rendition of Harriet's fifth year angered the vampires was an understatement and by this point Caius was near constantly muttering threats and punishments as he scrawled words in his notebook. Apparently he had developed a sudden interest in vivisection that he was keen to try on the entirety of the Ministry of Magic (minus some exceptions). What didn't help was that it was in this year that Harriet started to notice boys properly (and they started to notice her)... Dean Thomas was apparently not going to survive into the next week. Umbridge would be lucky if she survived half a day, even though she was in Azkaban considering that Caius had to be bodily held down in his throne to stop him hunting her down. Aro ended up having to sit on Caius lap as he raged to stop him destroying everything. By this point the copy of Rita Skeeter's biography of Harriet Potter had been destroyed and ripped into thousands of tiny fragments of paper by an irate Caius. The death of Sirius had saddened Caius greatly and he had calmed down for a moment to try to process the death of his mate's godfather, not that this lasted really as he was once more enraged by Dumbledore's treatment of Harriet. Severus at this point was rather grateful that the old Headmaster had died as he doubted he would have survived being confronted by the vampire king.

* * *

 _Extract from Caius list of people to kill, maim, etc. from Harriet's sixth year:_

 _The entire wizarding world with the exception of Harriet...and some others..._

* * *

If the retelling of Harriet's sixth year went badly then her year hunting Horcruxes went catastrophically. As soon as the name of the pink toad came up once more Caius had turned into the vampire Hulk again and broken his throne and a column which resulted in a minor pause as it was necessary to check the entire throne room wasn't likely to come crashing down within the next few minutes. Once the structural engineering had been checked, Severus continued onto the Gringott's break-in retelling which did not any better. Actually, nor did anything else in the recital of the saga until Voldemort was dead. The one thing that really, really, really angered the Volturi was the whole 'Harriet is a horcrux' situation. When Harriet went to sacrifice herself in the forest, Caius looked like he wanted to cry and then destroy everything within a ten mile radius.

* * *

"Whatever is the matter with everyone?" Harriet asked as she entered the throne room with a two plates, one with blood lemon tarts, the other with regular lemon tarts. But was immediately picked up by a purring blonde vampire king who seated her in his lap as he gently patted down her body checking for imaginary hurts.

"So brave...so very brave"

"Hang on, are those...?" Harriet asked as she saw two intact copies of her biographies and the ripped cover of another. She looked up at the quietly smirking Severus and immediately understood what had happened whilst she had been baking. Damn Slytherin, she contemplated. She was so going to sneak into his newly organised potions lab and switch around all the labels on the ingredients and his neatly organised books.

"My poor Harriet..." Caius started re-positioning her on his lap so she was snuggling against him.

"Poor Harriet nothing." The Girl-Who-Lived stated as she cuddled up closer to her mate, "That is all in the past, my school days are long gone and I prefer my auror days. Have you heard about how I broke into Gringotts a second time yet?"

"No" Severus replied "I thought you might prefer to tell of your... _adventures_ yourself," as he wandered over to Caius throne to retrieve the two plates of lemon tarts, one of which he handed to his mate, the other he kept for himself as he settled back to watch the drama unfold.

"And don't think we didn't notice the fact that yesterday you brought a fucking werewolf here!" Caius pointed out as he half glared at his mate who still sat on his lap serenely.

"There is nothing wrong with Remmie...he is just...lunarly challenged."

"By which Harriet of course means, he is a werewolf." Severus helpfully added, munching a slice of lemon tart not looking at the little domestic in the centre of the throne room.

"A WEREWOLF." Caius exclaimed again to highlight the slight problem.

"It isn't nice to discriminate against an entire group of people...that is just mean and prejudiced."

Severus snorted, "As if you didn't do that to all the Slytherin's."

"I will have you know that Blaise Zabini was a wonderful friend at school, really lived up to his family reputation... Caius, whatever are you writing?"

"Is Blaise with a 's' or a 'z'?"

"A 's'" Severus commented, "He lives in Italy I believe."

"Nice to know..." Caius replied as he scrawled into his notebook.

"On a side note, why Voldemort...I mean what kind of name is Voldemort? It means 'flight from death'. Seriously?" Alec asked as he considered the story he had just heard.

Harriet sighed, "I know, is he was fixed on the anagram route then there were so many other ones he could have chosen...'Mild Doormat Lover'...'Lord Earldom Vomit'...my personal favourite of course was 'Motor Marvel Dildo' or maybe 'Mr. T. O. Dildo Remover'. But they just don't have that...fear factor that 'I am Lord Voldemort' had. Which is a pity, can you imagine the papers reporting the war crimes of 'Tom, Dildo-Ram Lover'?"

Everyone looked at Harriet for a minute as she meandered through her thoughts before Severus asked, "You have thought abut this a lot, haven't you?"

Harriet smiled, "What else would you have expected me to do in your lessons?"

"Work? Although I suppose that was asking too much considering you are the daughter of James Potter."

"You are so pessimistic!" Alec said as he looked at Severus, "I thought Marcus was bad, together you are going to be some black hole sitting in the corner, sucking up all positive emotions..."

Severus sneered at the boy vampire, "It is better to be pessimistic, then you are always either right or pleasantly surprised. At any rate, I had to deal with the dullard that is Harriet Potter at school, as I am sure you have read, being optimistic wasn't the best way forward."

"Just make up and be friends" Marcus said, looking between his mate and future sister-in-law, "You are going to (hopefully) be family for eternity, find something in common."

Harriet looked at Marcus with an expression of minor betrayal, "Yeah, we do have something in common, we both hate each other and enjoy and thrive on this relationship."

Severus meanwhile looked at Marcus with an expression of major betrayal, "For once I agree with Harriet, there is more chance of the pair of us becoming friends as there is Longbottom making a decent potion..."

"Don't be mean about Nev, he is good at somethings, awful at others... and he killed the Merlin-damned snake that tried to kill you so be grateful...or else I will find a snake and try to recreate the wounds you would have had had we not managed to make an antivenom."

"'we'? Please Potter, the only reason I survived that snake bite was because Granger carries a bazoar everywhere and she was vaguely competent at brewing."

"No need to be rude Sev..." Harriet pouted.

There was a growl that everyone was surprised to see came from Severus rather than a vampire, "'Sev?' he said in a low tone

Harriet was suspicious, this could be a trap, "Yes...Sev...my new name for you, as you are a member of the family you need a nickname" She immediately realised her mistake as Severus Snape drew his wand and started advancing towards her. She was definitely not hiding behind Caius, she was just making a tactile clandestine position in order to plan her withdrawal from the conflict... Go Auror training!

* * *

Harriet was wondering through the halls of Volturi Castle when she suddenly found herself pressed against a rather chilly wall by her mate.

"Oh hello Caius. Are you okay?" Harriet asked, smiling brightly up at her vampire mate.

"Absolutely not" Caius growled, "Do you know how damn hard it is at the moment not to just grab you and fuck you into a mattress, or a wall? I am really not picky right now."

"Oh" was Harriet's response as she felt Caius pressing his front against her.

"I have had to watch you parade around in a series of dresses that I swear are getting shorter and tighter. I have had Aro laughing at me for the past week because I have been quite literally destroying things to avoid fucking you."

"Well..." Harriet started but was interrupted very suddenly by a voice echoing down the long stone corridors.

"HARRIET...HARRIET...WHERE ARE YOU?"

Harriet turned her green eyes to her mate who by this point was slowly thumping his head against the stone wall with his eyes closed as he muttered unintelligibly to himself.

"I am here, Kingsley!" the witch shouted back before kissing the cheek of her mate and skipping off down the corridor towards her fellow mortals. This left a certain blonde vampire king standing in the corridor of his own castle wondering whether locking his mate in a dungeon, just until he had managed to seduce her completely, would be frowned upon.

(He eventually decided that yes, it probably would be frowned upon. And that he needed to buy some more trousers as this force of his erection and ripped the pair he was wearing at present.)

* * *

 **As usual read and review, always love to hear what you think. Sorry this has been so long in writing, work has been a little hectic at the moment. Until next time, F200x**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter nor Twilight.**

* * *

Chapter 12:

As a rule Kingsley was not prone to panic, in fact he, despite previously being an auror, tended to a more calm and relaxed persona. However, that was not true today and in fact the Minister for Magic for Britain found himself rubbing his hands over his bald head as he considered his somewhat ill-thought through decision to allow Harriet Potter to show the Volturi around the magical community of Britain. There was only two potential outcomes: disaster or utter and complete disaster. Oh well, Kingsley thought, at least the vampires seem at least partially rational...

* * *

Whilst her boss was having a minor breakdown and considering how best to compose his resignation letter, Harriet Potter was in fine form. After nearly six months living it up in Italy she was finally allowed back to Britain. Ah, Britain, the place where Firewhiskey flowed like water and there was a multitude of people to annoy. And what was even better was that she was returning with three vampire kings and three vampire guards, fun times... It also allowed Harriet to give her patented tour of the magical world, allowing them access and an insight into little known places and knowledge.

Pushing open the Ministry car door, Harriet clambered out grabbing the hand of her mate so she could pull him out with her.

"Come on Caius! Places to see, people to go...Wait! I said that wrong, reverse it..., places to go, people to see! Come on!" With that the Girl-Who-Lived skipped into the Leaky Cauldron.

"I am back bitches!" Harriet announced to the pub population as she threw open the door, some of whom raised their glasses to her in mock cheer.

"Thank you...thank you. It is wonderful to be back among you, no autographs...please...thank you..." Harriet continued as she strolled through the crowded pup. It was good to be back, the hag was in the corner, the vampire was sitting under the stairs, Drunk Dougie was in his normal state learning up against the bar. Twirling between the tables, Harriet led her party out to the back and the confined concealed alley. Pulling out her wand Harriet tapped her lip with it, was it three up and three across...two up and two across...two up and three across...three up and two across? That sounded about right actually, tapping the brick, Harriet was quite proud to see she had got it right, last time she had come here she had been a tinsy-whinsy little bit drunk and tried to tap every single stone until it opened.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley..." Harriet said with a mock bow over her hand as she gestured towards the wizarding space appearing beyond the arch.

The majesty of the moment was broken by Felix, "Diagon Alley? Do you also have 'Vertic Alley?'"

Alec was keen to join in, "Pathetic Alley?"

"Medic Alley? The street with the doctors." Heidi added, getting into the swing of their discussion.

This wasn't fair though Harriet mused. It was supposed to be her tour and now they were taking all her best punchlines, she sniffed unimpressed before prancing down the street towards Gringotts. "Come on, this conversation can be continued later, we however have business with goblins."

Caius was quick to follow, keen to avoid his mate getting separated in the early morning shoppers wandering around the street, "I am sorry. Goblins?"

"Of course, I told you about the goblins didn't I?"

"Well, Severus did. Are you able to see them? Surely they hate you for robbing them?"

"Marcus dear," Harriet sighed, "I think that you forget that no-one hates me."

"Voldemort would say otherwise." Caius said

Harriet considered this, "I think Voldemort loved me and was deeply attracted to me but was unaware how to show it. It's a shame he was rather a hottie when he was younger." The Woman-who-won sighed, he really was rather charming then, she was certain that they would have got on like a house on fire back then. C'est la vie... she mused before being distracted by a growling beside her from her mate as he pulled her against his distinctly firm chest.

"Mine!"

"Yes...yes" Harriet said with a placating voice as she extracted herself from her mate's arms, "Yours. Now come on, if we have time before we meet Sevvy I want to go into Gred and Forge's shop." So saying she skipped off down the street followed like little ducklings, by a small group of vampires.

Entering the double doors of the bank, still as ever flanked by the guards who looked carefully at the group, covered under their long Guard member cloaks which looked in no way out of place among the hustle and bustle of Diagon Alley.

"Warrior Potter? Finally deigned to grace us with your presence?" A wrinkled goblin asked from his place at the top counter, a tone of cynical amusement present in his greeting.

"Hello Fangsmith! How are you this fine morn?"

She received a withering glare in return, "I would be better I knew exactly why you were here and whether you were going to break in or out of our bank again."

Harriet smirked internally, first time she had a dragon, second time she had Gary the Puffskein, third time would be a charm with the Dracula wannabes as her sidekicks. "I don't know, would you like me to test your defenses again?"

If goblins would lower themselves to roll their eyes then the vampires were sure that this one would have as he looked down at the small figure of Harriet who almost appeared to be bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Not particularly. Why are you here? Other than to irritate us all of course."

"I need to visit my vault pretty please with a galleon on top."

"Fine. Goldclaw? Take Miss Potter and her...companions down to the main Potter vault, number 241."

A minute later found Harriet sitting shotgun beside the goblin with the six vampires sitting in the back of the extended cart.

"Please keep your limbs inside the cart at all times." The goblin muttered, well aware that with Harriet this was unlikely to happen.

"Top speed please!" Harriet asked with a winning smile.

"One speed only." Came the reply.

"That is a myth, there is fast and faster so lets go with the latter please. Vampires! Hang on tight for the ride of your life."

With that the cart started getting faster and faster until it was fairly careering down the tracks, more often than not only on one side of wheels.

"Well that was fun. Hold the cab!" Harriet said as she pulled herself from the cart and skipped towards the vault door followed by the vampires (although Felix had to pull Aro back from accidentally falling off the edge of the platform when he meandered precariously close as he recovered from the wild ride). A key in the lock and a drop of the blood of the Potters' on the handle and the large doors swung open with nary a sound.

"Well Caius, you may be a king but I am definitely not a gold digger." Harriet said as she skipped in and almost tripped over a solid gold sculpture of a honey badger. The vampires stepped in a few steps and looked about them in awe, for the space which was over thrice the size of their throne room was packed with gold, silver, bronze, armour, sculptures, furniture and books stacked precariously in places.

"I can see that." Caius asked as he picked up a galleon which he examined carefully, "How much is this worth?"

"A galleon is about five pounds, although you can't trade them in as gold in the muggle world, there are enchantments to stop that. But don't worry, I have some other vaults so we won't run out for a long time."

"Ahh...good to know"

"You know Caius?" Harriet said as she stood near her mate watching as the rest of the vampires examined the contents of the vault, "This is one of my fantasies."

"Fantasies?"

"Mmmm" Harriet said, stooping down to pick up a handful of galleons, "You know, places you just want to do it in."

Caius chocked, "Do it?"

"Yes, be fucked, done, made love etc. Don't you have anywhere you want to do it in? Your throne for instance?"

There was a sound of coughing from the other guards and Aro looked intently at a solid gold set of goblin armour, ignoring the grins from the others of his species.

"Yes Aro." Marcus asked, "Was that not one of your fantasies? Until we accidentally walked in on it of course?"

* * *

"Miss Granger?" Caius asked three hours later, watching Harriet wrestling some sort of giant squid in the shallows of the lake.

"Yes?"

"Has Harriet always been like this? I struggle to see how the school survived if she was like this for six years as a student here."

Hermione chuckled, "The school didn't... At any rate she wasn't always this crazy, or at least not in front of everyone. I think it really started to show in the fourth year...I think that assassination attempts for four years in a row made her realise that life was too short. That was when she wrote her bucket list, the first few entries were relatively normal...losing her virginity; see Land's End and John O'Groats; get drunk; go to Venice and Paris. Soon they escalated though, she wanted to see every episode of Jeremy Kyle; destroy Walburga Black's portrait... Then Sirius and Albus died, they were the biggest influence in her life and then they were gone so she decided to live a life that they would be proud off. 'Bad-ass' was the only word that could be used to describe her...she had done so much for the wizarding world that her quirks can be forgiven. The magical world wants people for the history books and Harriet fills that void rather well, whilst Dumbledore was like this new Merlin, Harriet is this new Morgana of sorts...well except perhaps the constant attempts to kill everyone, history likes interesting people and whether Harriet wants it or not she will go down in history for being a person who was almost too interesting for us all. Caius...you are immortal, surely that gets dull? I would wager Harriet was the most interesting thing to happen in your life (even before you worked out she was your mate) for a long time, eternity won't be boring at least."

Caius folded his arms, watching as Harriet started playing fetch with the squid, "I suppose that is true. My wife..."

Hermione looked at him like he was mad, "Your wife?"

"Yes, we married for companionship a couple thousand years ago, her name is Athenodora."

"And you are still married to her?"

Caius froze for a second, realising his mistake, "Ahh... that is a little difficult."

The witch snorted, "I would imagine so...get a divorce, I imagine then she might actually sleep with you."

The king chocked slightly, "How do you know about that?"

Trilling a laugh Hermione answered, "She has been my best friend for years, I had to explain to her what a period was as her aunt had failed to, do you think that she wouldn't tell me about her sex life...or lack of?"

"...no?" Caius replied, slightly worried now that his personal life would suddenly be not so personal anymore.

Hermione, intuitive as ever realised his fear, "Don't worry, it isn't as though I will spread around your kinks or size. Although divorce your wife and ensure she isn't around for Harriet to see...otherwise she may well do something silly."

Caius decided that that was a perfectly sound piece of advice and resolved that if he wanted to get some this side of eternity then he had better start playing nice to his mate...by divorcing his wife.

* * *

"PEEVES! I missed you, old buddy, old pal..."

"Miss Potter, it is an honour to see you again."

"YOU!" Came a cry through the square interrupting the emotional reunion between the poltergeist and the daughter of the Marauders.

"Minnie!" Harriet replied spreading her arms wide as her old professor stormed across the cobbles towards her, "How are you?"

"How...? How am I? Feeling the increasing need to give you detention young woman."

"Whatever for? What could I have done to deserve such a punishment. I haven't snuck out to illegally transfer dragons, challenged people to honour duels, answered back to Severus, filled your classroom with catnip..."

Here Harriet was interrupted by the irate Scots woman, "Instead you have let everyone else do it for you. When I asked a second year to turn out his pocket I received a piece of parchment. Would you happen to know what was written on it?"

"I am presuming not potions notes nor love notes..."

"I read from a list entitled, ' _Harriet Potter's list of things to do before leaving Hogwarts'._ The introduction reads: ' _So little munchkins you find yourself at school that calls itself one of the most prestigious institutions in the magical world. I, Harriet Potter, can inform you that is all utter bull and have therefore decided that you all must try to improve the conditions of the school by performing each of these tasks at least once before you leave.'_ I take it you recognise these words?"

Harriet looked thoughtful for a moment, "Maybe, read a little further..." she said flicking her fingers slightly at the parchment for her to continue.

The death glare she received made Harriet consider whether she would be better if she hid behind Caius, or maybe Felix as he was fatter, dear Minerva however was keen to continue.

"' _In no particular order_. _Number 1: At some point you should challenge Sir Calegon to a duel. Number 2: Both the Hufflepuff and the Slytherin common rooms are in the dungeons whilst the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor are both in towers...find the common room of another house, either by subterfuge or by encouraging someone to show you. Number 3: Girls can enter the boys dorms but boys cannot enter the girls...this is sexist, boys, find a way to enter the girls dorms, apparently if you dress up in a dress and make up you can. Number 4: The Chamber of Secrets is in a bathroom...find it, I have left a prize in it for whoever can find it and enter it first.'_ I shall skip a few as there are three hundred and twenty nine entries on this list. ' _Number 42: Challenge Peeves to a prank war. Number 76: Minnie McGonagall loves catnip, hide some in your bag before you go to her class, guaranteed 'O's. Number 102: The Whomping Willow has an off switch...find it. Number 134: The house elves are always keen to hear what students want to eat, find the kitchens and ask them for chocolate for every meal for a week and they shall provide.'"_

Harriet tried to interrupted but her old professor just raised her voice and continued reading, "' _Number 194: There are over two hundred secret passages and places in Hogwarts, try to find as many as you can. Number 213: If there is a teacher you don't like then do something about it, the definition of revolt is '_ take violent action against an established government or ruler; rebel', _take heed. Number 299: The pet rules are more guidelines, feel free to bring in a pet nundu if you feel like it. Number 320: See number 299, Hogsmead rules are, again, only guidelines. Number 321: Any WWW products are fair game to be used at school, ignore any list of banned objects...except bad banned objects, like horcruxes...or blood quills...or cursed necklaces...or poisoned wine."_

"You have no proof I wrote that, for all you know it could be Dennis Creevey using my name in vain again..." Harriet pointed out once it was clear Minnie had finished.

She received a raised eyebrow in return, "Of course, that would explain the last sentences. ' _And so dear ones, I, Harriet Potter, The-Girl-Who-Lived (to-be-awesome) challenge you to do worse than what I did at Hogwarts. And so as my last action at the school I ordered the house elves to place a copy of this list upon every first years bed upon their arrival. Enjoy the school that produced the likes of Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange and Dolores Umbridge... Actually they aren't very good role models... therefore enjoy the school that produced me!'_ Does that sound like Creevey?"

Harriet scratched her head slightly, "Nope, I got nothing. Sorry Minnie, I just thought everyone needed some inspiration for greatness."

McGonagall looked like she may cry or scream at Harriet "Greatness? In the past term we have had fourteen people in the hospital wing for trying to 'freeze' the Whomping Willow... Five first year in the hospital wing for sneaking into Hogsmead and getting drunk on _butterbeer_... Two teachers run off the grounds by a group of students..."

"None of that was my fault..." Harriet pointed out, keen to convey her innocence.

"YOU WROTE THE DAMN LIST!"

"I will have you know that I wrote a footnote..."

"...Where?"

"On the back, at the bottom..."

McGonagall turned over the parchment to see a tiny footnote on the back which she read out loud, " _Disclaimer- I, Harriet Potter, take no blame for any injuries, punishments, riots, friendship fall-outs, etc. accrued as a result of actions taken as a result of reading or performing deeds associated with this list."_ The old professor looked up to see Harriet nodding sagely.

"See, not my fault, I wrote a disclaimer...", even Harriet would admit that smug was the only term suitable for the manner in which she had just said that, even Malfoy would be impressed and sure to tell his father about it.

"Harriet Potter?" McGonagall stated as calmly as she possibly could, pinching the bridge of her nose, "You will march into that school right now and rescind your order to the house elves to leave this list on the beds of any student. Do you understand?"

Hearing the tirade said in an increasingly Scottish brogue, Harriet decided that it may be best to make a tactical decision to go and see some house elves, she refused to call it retreat or surrender as that would be wrong, she never surrendered nor retreated, just reconsidered the value of previous decisions. At any rate, McGonagall had made no mention of destroying the ones that were spread throughout the school already.

Harriet perked up though, "Can I go see Albus?"

McGonagall groaned, "I suppose so...but I believe I will come to regret it, you two seem to bring out the unmanageable side of each other, even accounting for the fact that he is only a portrait that man can still do some damage. The password is _Tartan._ And don't worry, that password will change as soon as you leave so there is no point telling everyone what it is...again." With that the ferocious woman turned back into the castle likely, Harriet mused, to find some of that delicious whiskey that she kept in the top left draw of her desk behind the false back.

* * *

 **Sorry this is so short (and late), tell me what you think, the next chapter should be Harriet and Caius off to meet the Cullens'.**


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